Boracay Rum: My Idea Of Heaven

Last night, I dreamed that Clyde and I went to Hell. While it may have been a vision, I’m hoping that it was just the pepperoni and peanut butter pizza. No way do I want to believe that hell is really that scary.

I’ve always been led to believe that the bottomless pit was either a lake of fire in which one burned forever or a cold, cheerless place of dark misery. To our horror, Clyde and I soon discovered that it was much worse.

We started at the Judgment Bar which, contrary to popular opinion, isn’t run by God, but rather by a committee of elderly women. This, by the way, is much scarier than being judged by God. At least with God there’s a flow of logic that you can follow. Neither of us had been particularly bad on earth. We certainly hadn’t killed anybody. Still, there were those darn sins of omission.

Anyway, the old ladies took one look at Clyde and yanked a lever, dropping him through the floor. However, because of my crimes against the female population, I was worked over by a couple of large angels and then flung out a window. Getting punched out didn’t bother me as much as seeing other people go right into heaven, people I thought for sure would be going to hell: insurance reps, lawyers, realtors, and my bishop.

Instead of a lake of fire, Clyde and I landed hard in the middle of downtown Makati. Relieved that it wasn’t Quiapo, we were dusting ourselves off when Satan walked up wearing a Brooks Brother suit and Ferragamo loafers. He carried a briefcase rather than a pitchfork.

“Joey. Clyde,” Satan said. “Welcome to Hell. We’ve been expecting you. Take a look around and get settled. You start work tomorrow.” Before we could ask about work, Satan hurried off to a meeting with Boy Abunda and Mike Velarde.

The first thing that Clyde and I did was tally up all the positive things about Hell. First, there didn’t appear to be any cops. Second, our clothes weren’t on fire. Third, we saw Miriam Santiago kidney punching Gloria Arroyo in front of McDonald’s.

Best of all, 7-11 had free Boracay Rum. Praise be to God! Hallelujah!

“This might be OK,” Clyde said, looking around.

“No,” I replied. “This is very bad.”

At that moment I had noticed that everyone in town was driving a second-hand Kia. Worse, every intersection had a stoplight. Between the intersections, everyone was running over skunks. The restaurants were open, but all were run by vegetarians. The theaters were operating, all of them showing “The Hottie & The Nottie.”

Alarmed, Clyde and I borrowed a car and hit 14 skunks while driving out to the city limits where we found a sign with arrows pointing in every direction, all of which read: “Makati City-7 miles.” Depressed, we drove back into town where we eventually found Bill Gates selling French ticklers in the park. Bill, who was only in hell on a mandatory thousand-year bit, gave us the run down.

It turned out that hell had religious freedom. Sacrament meeting, Mass, and Bible study lasted seven hours every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Every Sunday, Satan bore witness the entire day as to the truthfulness of “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”

It got worse.

Clyde and I could date in hell, but only each other. We had to live with our parents. Television in hell consisted of just two channels, one showing The Teletubbies, the other Pinoy Big Brother reruns, both with poor horizontal hold. Michael Bolton was the only music allowed.



I woke up when I discovered that my job in Hell was writing speeches for Joseph Estrada forever. The dream served its purpose. No way do I want to go to Hell.

But free Boracay Rum for all eternity? Tempting...

Hot Chicks In Super Hero Body Paint

The title pretty much covers it. I don’t know where you got this idea from JKB Fletcher but the comic book nerds of the world thank you.

Disney Princesses as the 7 Deadly Sins

If you thought Disney cartoons were all talking animals, musical numbers and good winning over evil, think again. Artist Chris Hill has created portraits of your favorite Disney Princesses, re-imagined as the sins they embody–from sloth to envy, vanity to lust–and I have to say, I totally see it.

Some pairings are more apt than others–I think Jasmine was never really wrathful, it was more like naughty–but on the whole it’s an illuminating project from a talented illustrator. Click through to see the deadly sin reincarnations of Belle, Ariel, and all the rest of those pristine moral princesses.

Get Your Flink On & Win $3,000

Flink12, a new social networking site, has just launched its Global Icon Art Competition. They’re offering $3,000 commissions to create icons for the site. This is a great opportunity for artists and graphic designers to promote their work globally and possibly win a longer-term contract with them.

Flink12 is looking for original, fun and expressive graphic icons to be used as status updates for the network. These icons will be used daily by Flinkers on their web browsers and mobile devices.

Eligibility
The competition is open to artists anywhere in the world. Only original artwork, conceived and created by the entrant, will be considered.

Preparing Your Entry
1. Create a Flink12 account with a minimum of 6 people in your Flink.

2. You must submit at least 4 icons, one in each category of mood, health, activity and event. Title the icon set. Art must be submitted in 72×72, 100×100 and 144×144 dpi digital files saved as .png. Email to artcompetition@flink12.com

3. All submitted icons will be reviewed by Flink12 and if your art is chosen by Flink12 to enter the competition, then your 4 icons will be added to the competition submission category of Flink12. There will be no payment for competition submitted icons.

4. The names of all artists (whose art is accepted in the competition and published in the competition area of the Flink12 website) will be listed in the competition area of Flink12 while their art is published.

5. If you are selected for publication of a feature set, Flink12 will commission you on a work for hire contract for minimum US $3,000 contract to create feature icon sets for global publication on Flink12. Flink12 may select more than one artist to create feature icon sets.

6. Artists may also be selected to create custom artwork for other aspects of Flink12.

7. The program starts May 1, 2011, and can be ended by Flink12 at any time.

8. Review of artwork is ongoing and artists may be selected for feature icon sets at any time.

9. There is no limit to the number of icons samples you may enter. Email your entry along with the icons and title for the icon set. Include your name, city and country.

Image Files
Art must be submitted in 72×72, 100×100 and 144×144 dpi digital files. The file must be saved as a .png. File names should include only letters, numbers and spaces.

Deadline
At this time there is no deadline for entries. Flink12 reserves the right to close the competition at any time.

Selection
Entries will be reviewed and the Flink12 staff will choose finalists. All properly prepared entries will be reviewed. The decision of Flink12 is final. Flink12 reserves the right to re-categorize entries.

Notification
All artists selected by Flink12 will be notified via email. Artists who are not selected will not be individually notified of the results.

Publishing
Flink12 reserves the right to publish your name, company name, city and country along with the icon set you enter.

They’ve put together a microsite with all of the info on the competition along with images, videos, banners and more. Click here to view the site. Please feel free to share any or all of it.

Girls Sitting On Counter Tops To Make Their Asses Look Larger

I never realized this was a “thing” girls do. Kind of smart but also really fucking stupid.

This Guy Is Really Excited To Meet President Obama

A picture is worth a thousand flailing OMGGURLITSOBAMAOMGGURLs

Not gonna lie, my face would probably look like that too.

The Shallow Man Diaries (Part 20): Thursday Night @ Starbucks

I’m in Starbucks Greenbelt, I’ve just plugged in my new MacBook, and I’m ready to dream. Grooving to music I’ll never listen to at home, drinking something that is juice and sparkling water. It’s a pomegranate, but it tastes slightly alcoholic—in a bad way.

My computer’s taking a while to load, and I’m embarrassed by my screensaver. I’m not ready for the big time, and this is why. My being afraid of my wallpaper shows what I need to work on in my life. She’s not even naked; there’s no way I should be afraid to show a picture of a beautiful young woman with tattoos.

Had some ideas while the computer was loading; some real dazzling ways to write these head dreams, but they evaporate faster than any liquid known to man…just little vapor trails of brilliance.

I lost them :(

Someone asks for the chair next to me; the one upon which my bag rests, and although I give it to her, I hate her, even though it was just my bag.

There’s a beautiful girl outside, and I have realized too late that she is one year away from being able to accept my creepy stares. By the time I make it she’ll be old enough…I’m getting used to the pomegranate.

I want to make this a habit: coming here and placing these thoughts to the page. I’m realizing I have aspirations to write a book. Rather, I have thoughts about being a famous novelist and being interviewed by Anderson Cooper.

I’ll be wearing a beret and a burgundy velvet sport jacket, with a Groucho Marx-style moustache. He asks me many questions; I always interrupt him, but he defers to my intelligence. He realizes what I have to say is grand indeed.

Of course, I have not written a single page.

There are so many stories to tell; I don’t know where to start, so I’ll start here. Right now, here is empty. But here is better than nowhere, even if here is more nowhere than there.

Some smelly European chick is asking to use my computer. How rude can you get? It’s really an invasion of my personal space.

This is Starbucks, a bastion of commercialism: Muthafuckas making coin-selling coffee! Nowhere is the Capitalist Dream more realized. Yet every loser and deadbeat uses this place like a commune.

My computer is an extension of my distorted mind, you can’t use it!

You know what? I will let you use it. Let me just open up my video file, the one conspicuously named “PORN!”

“Sure you can use it; I was just watching this girl from Germany sucking a pony. This movie is special to me.”

Fuck all the bums, the wannabes, all the uptight screensaver-haters, and the foreigners with their deplorable English!

I’m coming back here :)

Pinky and The Brain In Russian

That’s much better. Way more evil.

Keira Knightley Will Gnaw At Your Soul

I watched Keira Knightley’s interview on TV recently and not once did I think she was going to eat Christmas or that she should come with instructions warning you not to feed her after midnight.

But in this picture, KK looks like she will slither up your nostrils and chew on the edges of your soul before spitting it out into your head because she doesn’t want to fuck up her praying mantis figure (and most souls are extra fatty). It just makes you want to stuff your nostrils with rosary beads so she can’t get in.

KK once said that she hates getting her picture taken, because she believes photographs steal your soul. So maybe she figured she can scare away cameras if she contorts her face into terrifying nightmare fuel. It still didn’t work.

Dinosaurs vs. Aliens

Will this be the greatest movie ever?! “Men in Black” director Barry Sonnenfeld and comic book writer Grant Morrison are developing a graphic novel and a screenplay for “Dominion: Dinosaurs versus Aliens.” This is way better than any Jurassic Park IV ideas.

The 5 Best Faces at the World Table Tennis Championships

A collection of people making crazy faces at the 2011 World Table Tennis Championships.

1. Bojan Tokic of Slovenia

2. Guo Yan of China

3. Ding Ning of China

4. Li Jiao of the Netherlands

5. Ai Fukuhara of Japan

Rihanna’s Invisible Penis

Sharing… It’s a rule now :)

Will “Fast Five” Sweep The Oscars Next Year?

“Fast Five” has made over $100 million at the box office, is already the number 1 movie of 2011 and Vin Diesel is so proud of it that he believe some of his co-workers might be fingering Oscar next year. This is what Vin told The Los Angeles Times about Fast Five’s Oscar chances.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some Oscar talk around this. I don’t know, maybe I’m just biting off what some guy from Channel 7 thought. But sooner or later, people are gonna say, ‘Wait a minute, just because they are for the working class doesn’t mean they’re not great.’”

Spoken like a dude who inhaled more than exhaled while surrounded by exhaust fumes on the set. YES! I like the way Vin Diesel thinks. And I put on my Vin Diesel brain for a quick second to predict 2011’s Oscar nominees:

Best Picture
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
Fast Five
Prom
Red Riding Hood
Season of the Witch

Best Actor
Nicolas Cage, Drive Angry
Nicolas Cage, Season of the Witch
Vin Diesel, Fast Five
The Rock, Fast Five
Paul Walker, Fast Five

Best Actress
Justin Bieber, Never Say Never
Jordana Brewster, Fast Five
Vanessa Hudgens, Beastly
Charlie Sheen, TMZ’s Live Streams
Kristen Stewart, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (Part 1)

The Academy has been whispering that Nicolas Cage is long overdue for an Oscar, but I still think Vin’s chances are looking good!

Hot Slut Of The Day!

If you can get past the seizure-inducing camera jumps and the exaggerated audience reaction shots, then prepare to be dazzled by 65-year-old Bai Shuying and her dance tribute to Michael Jackson on “China’s Got Talent.”

I have no idea what they’re saying, but who needs YouTube translator when everything you need to know is in Bai’s granny crotch thrusting.

Michael Jackson must’ve reincarnated into a caramel square that Bai nibbled on, because homegirl’s got moves I usually only see from speed junkies dancing for drug money at Izakaya in Greenbelt. Britney Spears has found her new dance double!

And yeah, I think that video made me seasick too. Put extra Dramamine glaze on my cinnamon roll this morning...

Soccer Fan Loses It

Check out how this fan loses his mind after watching his beloved English soccer club Arsenal give up a 4-goal lead. As an LA Lakers supporter, I feel his pain :(

Why The RH Bill Is Pro-Life

I can’t understand why so tame a thing as the RH bill—it’s pro-contraceptives, not pro-abortion—should face rough sailing in this country.

Those opposed to the bill of course call themselves “pro-life,” which by implication suggests that those who favor contraceptives are pro-death. Half the time, it’s not just a suggestion; it’s an open accusation. People who endorse or use contraceptives, the “pro-lifers” argue, are killing the unborn child.

RH demands that you produce a child with love, with laughter and with the ability to give him a life other than sleeping the sleep of the damned in sidewalks with the vapors of glue or cough syrup seeping from his mouth. That is being concerned with life. That is being passionate about life. That is being pro life.

At the very least, it is about the life of reason. The Church’s strenuous opposition to the RH bill, along with not altogether vague allusions to where the faithful are headed in the afterlife should they be faithless in this regard, must suggest that we haven’t really advanced all that far from Jose Rizal’s time.

We still have to contend with the friars and their teachings that the sun revolves around the earth, that the faithful are loved by God when they are docile and obedient and do not think, that they, the friars, are God’s appointed representatives on earth, God himself being despotic, petty and jealous. We still have to contend with a culture, or thinking, that is so abortive of thought, so abortive of freedom, so abortive of life.

RH asks that you use contraceptives so you can have babies only when you want to. That is being responsible, that is being human, that is being—if you are a Christian, devout or not—God-fearing.

7 Blasphemous (Awesome) Last Supper Fan Art Renditions

The Rapture is coming! One day only! Reserve your spot amongst the Unsaved by scrolling through and laughing at this list.