Thursday, June 30, 2011
To my dear beautiful daughter Chloe,
I’m writing you a letter. That’s right, a good old-fashioned letter. It’s a lost art, really. Like handjobs…shit.
I have a confession to make. I didn’t like you very much at first. You were just this annoying little blob. You smelled nice, most of the time, but you didn’t seem to have much interest in me, which I of course found vaguely insulting. It was just you and your stuffed toy against the world. Funny how some things never change.
So I cruised along, doing my thing, acting the fool. Not really understanding how being a parent changes you. And I don’t remember the exact moment everything changed. I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me. The next, my heart was somehow beating outside my chest, exposed to the elements.
Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it’s been almost too much to bear. As your father, I made a silent vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most.
When I flash forward, my heart breaks, mostly because I can’t imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride. How could you? Your father is a child in a man’s body. He cares for nothing and everything at the same time. Noble in thought, weak in action.
I’m so sorry, baby.
In case you missed it, here’s Blake Shelton, Xtina, Adam Levine and Cee Lo Green doing “Under Pressure” during last night’s The Voice. This shit looks more like the opening number to your children’s nightmare.
You’ve got Blake looking like a background extra from “King of the Hill”…
Xtina looking like a cartoon Grandmama Addams on bath salts…
Adam looking like Jane’s brother from Daria…
And Cee Lo looking like the ripped-out heart of Trash Heap…
Not only did they look a mess, but they sounded like a damn mess too. This is what it sounds like when a squeaky dump truck carrying a cat orgy crashes into a walrus howling contest.
“It’s the terror of knowing…what Blake, Xtina, Adam and Cee Lo sound like when they sing together.”
It’s times like this that I wish The Voice was really The Mutes.
So I watched “Transformers 3: Rise of Michael Bay’s Ego” last night at the special screening sponsored by PLDT and Nuffnang Philippines. Coincidentally, Shia LaBeouf gargles out a million dirty vaginas by launching dozens of douche-laden nuggets off of his tongue. During an interview with Details Magazine, the Oedipus of douchebags threw Shiarrhea at Oliver Stone, embraced his assholeness and basically admitted that his dick tip once touched Megan Fox’s poon.
On if he’s ever humped on Megan Fox: “Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them. I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.”
On if Megan was with Brian Austin Green at the time: “I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know…it was what it was.”
On being an asshole: “I would like to be George Clooney—diplomatic. I just don’t have the wherewithal yet or the inner serenity. My bullshit meter is tuned very sensitive. The minute it starts kicking up, I get back to truth, and sometimes that involves, you know, ‘I don’t want to take a picture.’ And if that’s the case, am I an asshole for being honest? Or am I an asshole for being dishonest, smiling in your picture and I fucking hate being there? Which one is worse? These are the questions I ask myself that George Clooney doesn’t ask.”
On Oliver Stone and “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps”: “He’s trying to play nice. But for a movie like ‘Wall Street’ that had so much bite the first time around to come out without fangs and preach a message of hope wasn’t what people were looking for.”
Maybe Shia licked on the blowhole of a half-deflated inner tube that he nicknamed Megan Fox, but I refuse to believe that his nuts ever swept across the land that I have yet to conquer. LeDouche gave himself away when he said that we can see the chemistry onscreen. This just goes to show you that Shia permanently lives inside a bubble of delusion. I mean, human chemistry in a Transformers movie?! Crazy talk. The CGI Transformers had more chemistry with each other than Megan and Shia did. That’s like a shellacked hemorrhoid having chemistry with a dehydrated crotch berry.
Shia almost sounds like me when I tell my friends that Georgina Wilson giggles at my jokes (when I really mean is that I recorded Georgina Wilson’s giggle to my BlackBerry and play it whenever I make a joke).
I bet Shia’s just tyring to make his mom jealous.
The trailer for “Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol” premiered before screenings of “Transformers: As If It Matters Because These Are All The Same.”
If this is any indication, it seems (the great) Brad Bird (Ratatouille, The Incredibles) was more than up to the task in his live-action directorial debut. Tom Cruise is doing wildly dangerous stunts (check out the video below), there looks to be more Simon Pegg this time, and Jeremy Renner poised to take over the franchise starting with “MI:6.”