The Shallow Man Diaries (Part 35): Random Ramblings

People always ask me how I come up with such amazing ideas for these posts. The answer: DRUGS.

But I have heard that drugs can kill you. And I spent the entirety of last summer building up an immunity to death. It has been working so far. So without the help of drugs I have been pondering the options for what I will write about this week. Here is the only idea I have had so far:

When I was smaller I would watch shows like “Small Wonder” and “Full House.” I never thought these shows were funny. But I always figured I was just too young to get the jokes.



Thanks to DVD, I have come to realize that I was not too young to get the jokes—THE SHOWS JUST PLAIN SUCK.

I will now take the time to raise my voice against a new turn of phrase that is taking its toll on the general populace. I hear a lot of people saying the phrase “I’M NOT GOING TO LIE…” at the wrong times.

People always say it like “I’m not going to lie, I love pizza.” As opposed to what? All those poser-wannabes trying to pass themselves off as pizza-haters?

Bitches please.

Now if you said something along the lines of “I’m not going to lie, I’m not really a woman,” THEN you have truly mastered the art that is phrase-turning.

Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Kanye West Compares Himself To Hitler & Jordan; Kanye Still A Douche

During his set at England’s Big Chill Festival on Saturday night, Kanye West turned the crazy up when he opened his mouth and left out a river of diarrhea and insanity chunks by saying people look at him like he’s got a tiny evil moustache above his mouth and is responsible for the murder of millions. 

Well, Kanye’s signature rants are responsible for the death of millions of brain cells, so maybe the King of the CAPS LOCK is on to something. Like the opening paragraph of Mein Kunt, Kanye mouth-queefed this solid gold ridiculousness:

“I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I’m fucking insane, like I’m Hitler. One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did.”

And then Kanye continued to prove that “South Park” is producing his life when he crowned himself the Michael Jordan of music:

“Michael Jordan changed so much in basketball, he took his power to make a difference. It’s so much fucking going on in music right now and somebody has to make a fucking difference.”

Historians should take note, because this might be the first time in history when both Michael Jordan and Hitler made “…the fuck is that douche’s ego on?” faces of non-amusement at the exact same time.

Kanye is right, though. He really is a lyrical mastermind genius that produces beats that sound like unicorns humping the heavenly clouds and the day we all finally realize he’s Jesus in a douche bottle is the day that the light on the miner caps of the Four Horsemen will blind us all before dragging us down to Hell thus ending the world.

Kanye didn’t need to strain his precious vocal cords of greatness by screaming that rant out. Kanye could’ve gotten the same point across just by jacking his dick while fucking his ass with a Lexapro bottle. That would’ve been less offensive.

New Wolverine Movie Has A Villain & “Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance” Suddenly Has Potential

“The Wolverine” (a simple, classic title that I love), directed by James Mangold (Walk The Line, Girl Interrupted), has a villain and a plot. Both of these things are, to the comic book fan, the fucking balls. During star Hugh Jackman’s appearance at Comic Con, he confirmed that the film will be directly based on the Chris Claremont and Frank Miller limited series from 1982, a seminal, brilliant work in the character’s history. It’s phenomenal news.

The other bit is that, (and if you’ve read the comic, you should have assumed this) the main villain will be Keniuchio Harada, aka The Silver Samurai:

If you’re unfamiliar, here’s the character’s description (via Slashfilm):

Keniuchio Harada is the mutant son of the former Japanese crimelord Shingen Harada. As a youth, Harada mastered the attendant disciplines of the medieval samurai and sought employment as a warrior for hire. 

Following his father’s death, Harada sought the leadership of Shingen’s Clan Yashida from his half-sister Mariko Yashida, but was opposed by the ronin Yukio and Mariko’s lover, the mutant adventurer Wolverine. 

In other Marvel, non-Avengers news, there are some surprisingly intriguing developments brewing for “Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance.” While the title doesn’t exactly pop my belt buckle loose, the fact that it’s directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor piques my interest. I thoroughly enjoyed the completely insane “Crank,” and after the drab, tepid affair that was “Ghost Rider,” a little insanity might be just what the sequel needs. I like their approach thus far—at their Comic-Con panel, Taylor had this to say about the film:

“We think ‘Ghost Rider’ is one of the most badass characters of all time. He makes absolutely no sense at all. He’s not really a superhero—more like a horror character. His power is he sucks out your soul. That’s insane. So the madness and the nightmarish quality as much as the action were the things that drew us to it.”

And that’s exactly fucking right. Ghost Rider is a freakshow of a character, and deserves a freakish film. It should have some serious horror elements to it, and apparently they’re approaching it from that direction. Supposedly, the film is much darker in tone, which serves the character well. It features Ciarán Hinds as The Devil, as well as Johnny Whitworth as Blackout, the half-demon, darkness-generating villain (shown below), and Idris Elba in an as-yet unknown role.

There are few comic book movies that I loathed as much as “Ghost Rider”—it tied with “Daredevil” for fourth place on my list of Worst Comic Book Movies Of All Time. And yet, I’m a little bit excited about “Spirit Of Vengeance.” It’ll give us an excuse to see Crazy Nic Cage, who is wildly entertaining in the right circumstances, and some wild-ass stunts. Who knows—it might even be good.

Top 5 Musicians Who Need To Do Drugs Again

Drugs are a horribly destructive force. They drain bank accounts and ruin families and lives. They destabilize governments, encourage organized crime, and also gave lots of fuel to that annoying guy in your dorm room who kept thinking he was saying profound philosophical things but was really just being a jackass.

But we will say this: musicians generally tend to work better when they’re high. Don’t believe us? Look what happened when these five legends quit using the hard stuff…

1. Elton John

Pre-Sobriety: “Rocket Man,” “Bennie and the Jets,” “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”

Post-Sobriety: “The Lion King” soundtrack, “Candle In The Wind” turned into a shameless cry for attention after Lady Di bought it

It’s not cool to admit you listen to Elton John, but, for about twenty years, Elton John did two things extremely well: snort cocaine and put out some of the greatest singles of the ’70s. It did terrible things to his health and his fashion sense, but musically, it’s miraculous in of itself that he put out so many awesome songs in a decade famous for disco.

Then he stopped doing drugs, and things rapidly went to hell. He went from being a musician that you weren’t ashamed to have on your iPod to putting out music even adult contemporary stations would alphabetize under “P” for pussy.

So…for his own good…start back up with the coke, Sir Elton. What’s the worst that could happen, aside from making music people can stand again?

2. Aerosmith

Pre-Sobriety: “Walk this Way,” “Sweet Emotion,” “Dream On”

Post-Sobriety: We’re pretty sure their last five albums are the same album, just in a different package.

Aerosmith is one of the greatest bands ever, if for no other reason than they covered a song that was basically a three-minute long dick joke and turned it into a mainstream hit. They pretty much created hard rock and sold millions of albums. Then…well…then the drugs kind of screwed them up.

That said, and as bad as it got for them, at this point, they probably need drugs if for no other reason than to make any of their songs sound different from the others. Also, it would be a gentle mercy to Steven Tyler. How do you be a judge on American Idol without being stoned out of your mind?

 3. Motley Crue

Pre-Sobriety: “Dr. Feelgood,” “Shout At the Devil,” “Girls Girls Girls”

Post-Sobriety: Ummmmm…Tommy Lee and Vince Neil both released sex tapes?

We’ll make a special exception for Nikki Sixx: considering his drug experiences, we’ll let him off the hook. Once you do enough heroin to stop your heart, get revived, and keep doing heroin, your sobriety is too hard-won to let go. But the rest of the band, not so much.

We guess it’s hard to sing about the rock n’ roll lifestyle when you have to concern yourself with sticking to your doctor recommended aspirin regimen and eating enough fiber to keep yourself regular, but still, come on guys. Bring back the ’80s excess.

4. Paul McCartney

Pre-Sobriety: “Back In The USSR,” “Get Back,” “Paperback Writer,” “Live and Let Die”

Post-Sobriety: “Give My Regards to Broad Street,” all the sugary crap the Beatles produced before they discovered acid, Wings, Linda McCartney allowed near a microphone

Granted, Paul was always the wuss of the Beatles, but he and Lennon made a great team: Lennon cut down the sugar, while Paul cut down Lennon’s self-righteous whining. When Paul was allowed to write on his own, we got songs like “Yesterday,” which is the single most covered song of all time and probably one of the worst songs the Beatles ever put out.

Once they split up, Lennon became the kind of hippie everybody wants to punch in the face, only with a billion dollars, which makes “Imagine” the biggest passive-aggressive douche move of all time. McCartney became…well…famous for being that Beatle who puts out albums everybody buys but nobody listens to.

5. Eminem
Pre-Sobriety: The Slim Shady LP, The Marshall Mathers LP

Post-Sobriety: Relapse LP, Recovery LP

Part of Eminem’s appeal is that as a human being, he’s a goddamn train wreck. Fighting with his mother, writing songs about wanting to murder his ex, mocking the Insane Clown Posse…this is why we listen to him. Not to hear him whine about how much his life sucks.

Part of the problem is that his drug habit is incredibly wussy. Snoop allegedly drops $1000 a day on weed, many rappers are rumored to smoke crack, and Eminem is addicted to…prescription drugs. Yes, it’s a serious problem…but Eminem does the same drugs as that guy selling you insurance and the housewife in front of you in Taco Bell.

On the other hand, anything off of “Recovery” is still better than the entirety of 50 Cent’s catalog, so there’s that.