Saturday, August 27, 2011
Programming Note: This will probably be my last post of the day, because I’m driving to the City of Springs in a few hours to do some Driving Miss Daisy shit. It’s my baby’s birthday so I have to chauffeur her around while she yells at me to not drive so fast and to count to 5 at every stop sign before hitting the gas. I’ll be doing this for the next 2 days. Fun!
I’m leaving early since I’ve been told that the highways are full of Apocalypse-ready hos marching towards the safe lands. I know, perfect timing, especially since my apartment is in a mandatory evacuation zone. I’m taking my iPad, the only t-shirt I wear and saying a prayer that Typhoon Mina doesn’t break my favorite new bong. But anyway, fuck that bitch Mina…Los Baños, Laguna here I come!
Massive, satisfying dump while reading the sports section
Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast all cooked by naked buxom wench.
Several whiskies en-route to airport.
Flight in personal Lear jet.
Limo to golf club.
Pie, chips and gravy, three lagers and bottle of J&B.
Play back nine.
Limo back to airport.
Fly to Monte Carlo.
Late afternoon fishing excursion with all-female crew.
Land world-record marlin.
1,800 lbs on light tackle.
Fly home, massage and handjob by Megan Fox
Shit, shower and shave.
Watch news: Robert Pattinson assassinated.
Marijuana and porn legalized.
Dinner, lobster appetizers, 1953 vintage Dom Perignon, big juicy steak followed by ice cream served on a pair of tits.
Brandy and Cuban cigar in front of wall-size TV as I watch basketball.
Lakers beating Celtics 150-0.
Line of cocaine.
Sex with three women.
All with lesbian tendencies.
Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snack and cleansing ale.
A nightcap blowjob.
In bed alone.
A 12-second fart which changes pitch four times and forces the dog to leave the room.
Hollywood sex symbol Katherine Heigl ran some errands around LA yesterday, and I never realized how much she looks like a friend of mine. His name is Alex. This is how he dressed in 1998. He doesn’t have that ridiculous haircut anymore or those freshly cut-off Dockers but I bet he’ll get a kick out of this.
Going to bars is an incredible opportunity. That’s where you’ll meet your soulmates, nail them…and never call them again. Keep in mind that these chicks are drunk and hot…that’s a perfect cocktail—shake well, then sleep with. If you strike out, don’t give up hope. Always remember that there are new women turning 18 every day.