Thursday, September 1, 2011
Dear Karen Elson,
You’re gorgeous. And your luscious red locks make me want to get a weave, like yesterday. But, girl, you can’t dance.
Anyhoo, here are models Karen Elson, Raquel Zimmerman and some Amish hos hawking fancy clothes while showing off the moves they learned at The Joey Bigornia School of Dance.
So this is the reason why whenever I’m about to bust into any kind of dance move, a sign flashes in front of my eyeballs that reads: “WARNING: Are you currently ‘don't give a fuck’ tanked? If not, proceed with caution.”
I don’t get a chance to watch many movies these days. Nonetheless, I like writing movie reviews, both as a public service and also to see if I can turn this gig into a way of getting free tickets to press screenings.
So, the only option is to review the movies without actually seeing them. I’m convinced many critics do this anyway, but at least I’m being upfront with you. The following review is based on press releases and whatever trailers have bombarded my feeble brain.
The movie opens with Diaz partying at a bar, then maybe having sex with some random guy. Then we see her house the next day and she’s in bed and there are clothes and empty bottles everywhere and Diaz wakes up in a start because she’s late for work. And her car will screech into the parking lot and she’ll jump out of the car buttoning her blouse and putting on her heels and we’ll see that she’s a teacher. Get it? Because teaching would be an unlikely choice. After all the other stuff we saw. Do you get it? Unlikely = funny.
Something happens that changes Cameron’s life or threatens her school and so now she has a rivalry with another school and/or teacher, and she uses her crazy antics to win, like dressing “sexy” to get more cars to her car wash. I wonder if this scene will show Cameron’s car wash with cars lined up around the block, while her frumpy rival has very few cars. Awww man, can you imagine? I hope I don’t hyperventilate from all the laughter.
Diaz fails to win because her underhanded tactics were frowned upon but that’s okay because in doing so, she learns a little about life and a lot about her self. Also she says “fuck” a lot during the movie, which is funny because using language like that around kids would be inappropriate.
The real lesson here is that anyone on earth can write a successful Hollywood movie in about 20 minutes.
I’m honestly not sure what’s more insulting; that we’re expected to believe that Cameron Diaz is sexy or that we’re supposed to accept Justin Timberlake as a leading man.
Actually never mind. It’s the first one. I’m not sure why any producer thinks we like Justin Timberlake and he should be in their movie, because we don’t and he shouldn’t, but Cameron Diaz is getting uglier by the minute. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. I heard that if she bites you, you turn into a Cameron Diaz. True Story!
Grade ★ ★ 1/2 out of 5 stars
On a related note, Cameron was on the Spanish TV show “El Hormiguero” recently to promote “Bad Teacher,” and she seems to think the best way to do that and get around the language barrier was to make dumb faces for 10 minutes.
Now the people in Spain can say, “I’d like a ticket to the one where the old lady who thinks she’s young cackles like a jackass.”
This video of Don Cheadle playing a sociopathic, unhinged version of Captain Planet is easily the best thing I’ve seen online this week, for reasons not the least of which being that they made the ‘Heart’ ring guy borderline retarded, just like I always imagined him.
Possibly the crappiest superhero ever conceived, Captain Planet was easily one of the worst cartoons of the 1990s, a paper-thin character attempting to broaden children’s respect for the environment by making it look like supervillains took joy in cutting trees down and polluting water.
The video starts with that conceit, but Captain Planet soon turns into an angry badass who fucks people up and flies away saying, “Don’t summon me again unless you ready for that pain. Peace, dickholes!”
If you’re on a diet, fuck it off and stick your face in bowl of fried lard. If for some fucked-up reason you have declared celibacy, go rub and wet hump the first hot piece you see. If there’s a whore out there that doesn’t know how much you hate them, immediately knee them in the butt bone and destroy them with the cunt word. Because the end is near.
The sky is about to turn black and the earth will implode! Baby Jesus, hold me in your arms and dry my tears with your breath. I’m scared.
More pictures from the set of the increasingly homoerotic “Superman: Man Of Steel” found it’s way online today, and you probably can’t tell from the scenes below, but Superman is in a fight with a dude for the rights to use “manofsteel69” as profile name on manhunt.com.
Who cares if Superman looks like he gets a blowout at the same place Bruno Mars gets his every morning?
Who cares if Superman washed his signature period panties in the his bathroom sink, hung them up to dry on the towel rack and forgot to put them on before he flew out the window?
Who cares if that suit was made from the blue perforated leather loafers I had as a kid that made me look like an old priss queen on a cruise to Italy?
Who cares if he’s probably wearing a muscle suit underneath that shit made from a mold of Madonna’s biceps and Jada Pinkett’s twelve-pack?
Who cares that it’s taking me four ‘Who Cares’ to say that it’s all about the “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s happy to see you!” bulge!
That bulge should be wearing a little red cape and flying hos in distress to safety! That bulge should get a spin-off!
“Conan The Barbarian” star Rose McGowan looked terrific as she left a hair salon in LA yesterday, and by that I mean she somehow pushed her big tits into a shirt made for a toddler. In fact her entire outfit was nice. It’s like a classy version of a Hooters waitress.
I imagine being on the Mt. Rushmore of tits can be it’s own reward, but I’d like to personally thank Lucy Pinder for being a bottomless pit of need that forces her to take her top off whenever there is a camera around.
I would send her a thank you card, but they don’t really make them big enough for the picture I planned on taking. Sorry :(