Adele Is Fat, Throws Up A Lot

But it doesn’t seem to be helping.

Us Magazine reports:

“I puke quite a lot before going on stage,” Adele, 22, tells British Vogue in its October issue—gracing its cover with a stunning close-up shot.

“Though never actually on stage,” the Grammy winner clarifies. But the pre-show puke guarantees a great performance, she says. “But then, I shit myself before everything. The bigger the freak-out, the more I enjoy the show!”

One thing the curvy star doesn’t get caught up in: Hollywood’s obsession with diets and getting thing. “I’ve seen people where it rules their lives, who want to be thinner or have bigger boobs, and how it wears them down,” she tells Vogue. “And I don’t want that in my life…I have body insecurities, of course, but I don’t hang out with anyone who points them out to me.”

If you didn’t think Adele was hot before, I bet you do now. I mean, a fat chick who shits herself when the Krispy Kreme hot light is on? Then throws it up before she gets on stage. Rawr. You probably can’t tell, but I’m really hard right now (sarcasm).

This Wasn’t An Accident: Ashley Greene Did This On Purpose

I assume “Twilight” star Ashley Greene knew full well that if she wore a see through shirt and tiny shorts that she would get her picture taken—the paparazzi were literally hiding behind flowerpots and rappelling from the ceiling.

She also knew that I would post her pictures. Because I would very much like to have sex with her, you see. Mostly because I think we have a lot of things in common. For instance, she has a vagina attached to a brunette white girl with blue eyes and I have a penis that likes to repeatedly go into vaginas attached to brunette white girls with blue eyes.

Hot Slut of the Day: Keira Knightley Will Gnaw At Your Soul

I watched Keira Knightley’s interview on the Today show and not once did I think she was going to eat Christmas or that she should come with instructions warning you not to feed her after midnight.

But in these pictures, KK looks like she will slither up your nostrils and chew on the edges of your soul before spitting it out into your head because she doesn’t want to fuck up her praying mantis figure (and most souls are extra fatty). It just makes you want to stuff your nostrils with rosary beads so she can’t get in.

KK once said that she hates getting her picture taken, because she believes photographs steal your soul. So maybe she figured she can scare away cameras if she contorts her face into terrifying nightmare fuel. It still didn’t work.

The Shallow Man Movie Review: Shark Night 3D

So…uh…there are some sharks, and like…one night they come out…and it’s like…YOU CAN PRACTICALLY TOUCH ‘EM, BRO!



I don’t know what needs to be said about this other than, “It’s rated PG-13.” While I didn’t love “Piranha 3D,” it wasn’t without its charms. But there’s not a chance in hell I would’ve sat through it without boobs and blood. Isn’t that the whole point? This is like “The Fast and The Furious” without cars or sweaty dudes.

Grade ★ 1/2 out of 5 stars

Now showing at Gateway Cineplex 10, Araneta Center, Quezon  City, Philippines
 
Call TicketNet at 911.5555 for reservations and ticket inquiries

Stupid Movie Poster of the Day: The Woman

“Not every monster lives in the wild.” Some of them BE SHOPPIN’! LOOK OUT, SHE’S BLEEDING FROM THE VAGINA!

Anyway, here’s the synopsis:

When a successful country lawyer captures and attempts to “civilize” the last remaining member of a violent clan that has roamed the Northeast coast for decades, he puts the lives of his family in jeopardy.

Well that sounds interesting. It also sparked something of a big to-do when it played at the Sundance Film Festival. Not that I would’ve known that from the poster, which mostly tells us that the word ‘Woman’ begins with a W.

LOOK OUT, IT’S A WOMAN! SHE’S GOT HER PERIOD AND A STICK!

But seriously, I’m always complaining about too many remakes and a general lack of originality in horror films. What this film presupposes is, maybe I should be careful what I wish for?

The Shallow Man Diaries (Part 45): Drive Me Crazy

When it comes to taking chances, some people like to play poker or shoot dice; other people prefer to parachute jump, go rhino hunting, or climb ice floes, while others engage in crime and marriage. But back when I was younger, I like to get drunk and drive like a fool.

Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you’re half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you’re going a hundred miles an hour down a suburban side street.

You’d have to watch the entire North Korean air force crash-land in a liquid petroleum gas storage facility to match this kind of thrill. If you ever have much more fun than that, you’ll die of pure sensory overload, I’m here to tell you.

Nerd Porn Alert!!!

I don’t know if you can legally rape your own penis, and by that I mean attack it with such ferocity and diligence and then keep on it long after its begged for mercy, but many, many nerds will put that to the test after seeing what Rose McGowan wore last night.

Her big tits and pale skin in big bookworm-y glasses are the best thing to happen to dorks since “Lord of the Rings.”

Joey’s Top 5 Videogame Heroines

5. Chun-Li (Street Fighter series)

I’ll admit it. I’ve played all the Street Fighter games, even stuck through the series when it was going through some low points (EX cough cough), but I still can’t make heads or tails of the fiction behind it. I don’t know what exactly Chun-Li wants or why she fights, but I know this: that girl has beat down a lot of people.

But of course, no matter what iteration of the swift-kicker you see, one thing stands out above all else. Those thighs. Those suckers could squeeze the life out of just about anything. It’s hard to deny power like that.

4. Tifa (Final Fantasy VII)

Look, I know this is going to bring all the Aerith defenders out of the woodworks, but my vote goes for Tifa. You have to admire a bartender who goes out and saves the world with her fists, literally.

Tifa just be beatin’ down folks left and right. And when Cloud goes down, who steps up to take on the daunting task of traversing the world map? Barrett? Red XIII? No sir, Tifa does. She also doesn’t get a sword through the chest in the first disc. What can I say? I love that in a woman.

3. Jill Valentine (Resident Evil series)

If you’ve played the original Resident Evil, you already know what I’m about to tell you. Jill Valentine rocks. She can carry more, she gets the superior bazooka instead of a crappy flamethrower, and she knows how to pick a lock, removing the tedium of finding a million identical Small Keys. Why exactly don’t they use the same one?

Anyway, Jill has been killing zombies for a long time, and, even though thing’s have looked pretty bleak for her at times, she always manages to come out ok. She always finds a way to survive, and, like it or not, Jill’s here for the long haul.

2. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series)

Times change, and it’s hard to stay relevant in the video game world. That said, I don’t think Lara will be going away without a fight. Gamers’ have been tomb raiding with the top-heavy tycoon since the days of the original PlayStation, and nobody has forgotten her since.

Lauded as an icon for females in the industry, which can often be gender biased, Lara Croft is great because she pulls of the impossible: she has appeal for both men and women, without appearing overly sexual or prudish. Striking a fine line between the two is what Lara does best, besides dual wielding of course.

1. Samus Aran (Metroid series)

As far as video games go, Samus has been around for a long time. Appearing first on the NES, Samus has been blasting fools since 1986. Although her character took a turn for the worse in the disaster known as Other M, Samus is the definition of what we want from a female video game character.

The feeling of exploring unknown and dangerous structures alongside Samus hasn’t lost any of its appeal, and I have the feeling that the next time we see Samus, she will redeem herself. Proving beyond all doubt that women can stand toe-to-toe with men in this business, Samus gets the nod as the top video game heroine of all time.

Tasteless Joke of the Day: The Morning After

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at the party they were at the night before.

1st Guy: “Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.”

2nd Guy: “Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!”

3rd Guy: “That’s nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!”

1st Guy: “No, no…you guys don’t understand! Chunks is my dog!”

This Is Our Future, Part 3: Jersey Shore Jr.

If I had kids, I would pull them out of school and teach them the lessons of Jersey Shore. I’d let Professor Situation and Professor Snooki school them on important things like what's appropriate to wear in a hot tub full of strange men and how to spot “the grenade” in a sea of skanks. You know, shit they’ll need to know when they star in their own MTV series. Yes, I have high hopes for my spawn.

But you might be the kind of parent who throws your kid into a kitchen cupboard every time Jersey Shore comes on, because you don’t want to damage their brain cells just yet. Well, now you can pull them out of the cupboard and play this for them. It’s Jersey Shore Jr.!

The Shallow Man Comic Strip of the Day: Under The Influence

Avengers Assemble in NYC

In case you missed it, here’s Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Chris Pine, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo and Chris Hemsworth playing dress up on the NYC set of “The Avengers” on Saturday morning.

You know, if you took everything I know about The Avengers and used it to power your American flag finger vibrator cum Independence Day, you’d be the opposite of patriotic because that shit wouldn’t bust out one tingle due to the fact that I know absolutely nothing about The Avengers. Nothing. 

I don’t know what their damn costumes do. I don’t know why they’re running around. I don’t know why Jeremy Renner is dressed like a manager at a gay leather bar who carries skinny starter dildos in a wine bottle carrier just in case he runs into a trainee bottom who needs a little assistance in the loosening up department. I don’t know!

But I do know that The Avengers desperately needs the bulge budget that Superman has.

Bar Refaeli Bar Refaeli Was At A Premiere

I’ve never heard of the movie “Carnage,” but it must be good, because Bar Refaeli showed up for its premiere at the Venice Film Festival recently looking absolutely fantastic.

As you look at these pictures, please keep in mind that Leonardo DiCaprio dumped her for Blake Lively. Again, Leonardo DiCaprio dumped Bar Refaeli for Blake Lively.

When interviewed by phone, Leonardo’s penis said, “Dude. I know. What’s up with that?”

The Shallow Man Movie Review: Colombiana

When a director dubs himself “Megaton,” whatever the esoteric allusion and even if he’s French, you don’t expect subtlety. And subtlety is definitely not what you will get with “Colombiana,” the hyperactive action-thriller/fashion-week catwalk starring sleek Zoe Saldana as the latest trend in lethal weapons. Is Saldana the new Schwarzenegger, only leaner, meaner and much better looking in spandex? I think so.

This B-movie blast of bloody blam blam is the latest chapter in the Luc Besson book of badly bruised lovelies who are better not crossed. What he began in 1990 with “La Femme Nikita,” followed with “Léon” in ‘94 and ‘97’s “The Fifth Element,” he refines in “Colombiana.”

Meanwhile, former graffiti artist Olivier Megaton, who in recent years has come under the Besson umbrella directing the very fast-moving train of 2008’s “Transporter 3,” seems to have hit his stride in this latest excursion into magazine spread murder. It helps that Saldana has the body of a model and a fierceness of acting focus; it all combines to make the slick, intense aesthetic work.



The killing begins in Bogota, when Cataleya (Saldana) is just a 10-year-old schoolgirl doing homework at the kitchen table, when thugs sent by the local drug lord gun down her parents in front of her. That sets up the reason for revenge, but even better, an excuse to stage an exceptionally fine opening chase scene that showcases the beauty, danger and athleticism of parkour as the young Cataleya (Amandla Stenberg) races, rolls and bounds over, around and through tightly stacked hillside houses and serpentine alleyways to escape the killers. Her passport to safety—Chicago and her uncle—a microchip she swallows, then expels, all over the desk of a very disgruntled embassy official.

It’s in the Besson tradition to give the main character a trauma that both changes and defines the life that follows. It certainly does for Cataleya. On her first day of school in Chicago, she tells Uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis) that the only thing she wants to learn is how to become a killer. In a sort of twisted back-to-school-special moment, Uncle E proceeds to explain, in somewhat explosive terms, that what she really needs is a good education if she truly wants to become a good killer. Who knew?

Though we don’t see Cataleya grow up, we can guess that she must have been an A+ student because the next time we see her she’s pulling off a smartly sophisticated killing that involves being clad in a body suit and executing a series of contortions in tight spaces that would make Houdini jealous. It comes as no surprise that her targets are all tied to the crew who killed her parents.

Whether it’s a nod to the director’s artistic leanings, the image of the orchid she’s named for—cattleya, for the horticulturist purists out there— becomes her signature, inked onto the bodies of her victims. It helps knit the plot together, with the pattern attracting the attention of a persistent FBI agent played by Lennie James, the Colombian drug lord Don Luis (Beto Benites), his No. 2 Marco (Jordi Mollà) and the sleazy CIA agent (Callum Blue) who helped relocate Don Luis and his cronies under some kind of off-the-books witness protection scam to New Orleans.

Since this is also a love story, there is a hunk for Cataleya to get naked with, a position filled by the very lucky Michael Vartan as Danny. He’s an artist who doesn’t ask a lot of questions, a good thing considering her messy obsession. The killings prove to be a piece of cake compared to the complications of love and the movie does a pretty good job of bobbing and weaving between the two with Saldana bringing as much verve and emotion to the assignations as to the assassinations.

But the filmmakers never forget their main agenda is action and elimination, piling up the bodies in increasingly exotic and unbelievably complex ways, all very cleverly and cleanly shot by director of photography Romain Lacourbas, who worked with Megaton on “Transporter 3.” Keeping the style at FHM levels is production designer Patrick Durand with costume designer Olivier Bériot making the most of the sartorial possibilities afforded by Saldana’s lean, leggy frame

All of that combines to make “Colombiana” into a scandalous blend of action, sex and violence. My apologies in advance for having so much fun.

Grade ★ ★ ★ 1/2 out of 5 stars

Now showing at Gateway Cineplex 10, Araneta Center, Quezon  City, Philippines

Call TicketNet at 911.5555 for reservations and ticket inquiries