Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Over in the mythical land of Thailand, ladies who want to be plumper in the chesticles area but don’t want a surgeon’s scalpel cutting into their body go to Miss Khemmikka Na Songkhla, who uses an ancient secret technique called “Smacking Yo Bitch Titties Up” to bring a woman closer to Christina Hendricks proportions without surgery. Miss Songkhla uses her magical hands to pinch, slap and knead fat into chichis as the soundtrack from Vibes plays in the background.
Miss Songkhla’s titty slapping boutique was in danger of being shut down when one woman claimed that getting her breasts Mike Tysoned gave her cancer. The Thai Health Ministry stepped in and conducted a 6-month study where they closely examined Miss Songkhla’s chichi abuse techniques. After all was said and done, and they cleaned up the mess in their chonies, they ruled that not only does Miss Songkhla’s techniques not cause breast cancer, but some subjects’ chichis actually grew a few cup sizes. Miss Songkhla’s titty slapping hand is government approved!
That right there is the perfect job. You get to legally whoop a trick for a check? Count me in. Miss Songkhla teaches her ancient art to wannabe titty slappers for over $100,000, but I don’t need to learn from her. I watch a lot of “Dynasty” and “Bad Girls Club.”
If you want a JLo ass, just come to me and I’ll get you there by giving your nalgas a double “You stole my man AND company” slap. I’ll even moisturize your ass skin by spitting at it. My salon will also offer an ancient hood rat technique that strengthens follicle roots by dragging you by the hair on the floor. Don’t worry, gentlemen, there’s also dick treatments for you. My choke, pinch and flick technique might not make your peen grow a few inches, but it will definitely keep that bitch in check!
Oh, and Rihanna now knows why she received invoices in the mail from Chris Brown’s Titty Slapping Salon of Beauty. This is also why you should run a credit check and take your piece’s bank account information before you spank them in the ass during fuck times. That shit is extra.
After a drunken evening spent watching “The Fast and the Furious,” Spidey and the Hulk decided to race through New York City. The resulting carnage was replicated in this racing set from Matchbox.
Somebody call Damage Control, they’re gonna need some overtime.
Putting on the right tunes can make sex, well, a whole lot sexier. So I’ve rounded up the best songs to turn up when you’re getting down. You’re welcome.
This song makes me want to fuck everyone.
The one movie trailer that has got me pressing the replay button like it’s a G-spot is the one for Steven Soderbergh’s “Contagion.” Shit is about what would happen if a bird flu (probably from THIS bird) murdered most of the planet’s population and blah..blah...blah. But way more importantly, we get to sit back and watch Gwyneth Paltrow floppity flop flop to her death!
Do any of you know the exact time in the movie when she dies a slow, painful, tonsil-curling, eye-bulging, blood-spewing, nipple-shriveling death? Because that’s obviously the only part worth sitting through and I need to know what time I should make dinner reservations at KFC across the street from Gateway Cineplex.
Pretentious Cunts: 0
The Internet was all abuzz this weekend because Britney was in London and when she got out of a car you could see her panties.
It was sort of like that time five years ago when she got out of a car and you could see her vagina. Except this time you couldn’t, and also she was dressed vaguely like Robin Hood.
I think the lesson to be learned here is that the Internet is a really dumb place.
If you were in the mood for a picture of Miley Cyrus hanging out in her panties, you’ve come to the right place. Here she is looking sexy while checking out The Daze of My Life on her mobile phone in her sexy boudoir. That’s French for “hump room.”
I’m going to assume that this was a shot taken while filming a music video, which is kind of a letdown. I was hoping that this is how she hung out at home on her days off: In heels, jewelry and some little underwear on her gold satin sheets. Hot!
Even at 35, Kate Winslet was by far the hottest thing at the Emmys last night. And I’m not just saying that because I would very much like to titty fuck her.
Haha! I’m totally kidding, you guys! That’s EXACTLY why I’m saying that!
I know you’re gonna find this hard to believe, but Chrsitina Hendricks showed up to the Emmys last night in a dress to show off her gigantic rack to get you disoriented and make you forget what the rest looks like.
And which genius had the idea to make a deathly pale ginger pose in front of white and gold background? Is she supposed to be stunning or camouflaged?
Note: Being a woman automatically means you have self-esteem and body issues, but please keep in mind this is her husband…
He must have tied a Twinkie to a string and made her chase it. Then he saved her life when she swallowed the ring he stuffed inside. Then he proposed. Then she finished the Twinkie. It’s a pretty touching story when you really think about it.
The 63rd Annual Emmy Awards was a “Modern Family” bukkake party last night, and speaking of bukkake, here’s Sofia Vergara in this dress. As long as she doesn’t speak or look like she might speak, she’s probably the hottest woman on television right now.