Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Star Wars Is Gangsta
This protocol droid is fluent in six million forms of communication, and knows how to call you a “cracker” in all of them.
Angel Is No Angel: Being A Cheating Slut Saved David Boreanaz’s Marriage
“See, dropping my seed in another trick’s pussy made our love bloom even more. You’re welcome” is a line that sleazed its way out of David Boringanus’ mouth and into his wife’s ear, because he believes that cheating with noted whore Rachel Uchitel made his marriage stronger.
David tells TV Week that bonding his peen lips to the inside of Rachel’s pot luck poon also bonded his heart to his wife’s heart. Tiger Woods must be working part-time as a marriage counselor, because that is pretty much the only explanation for this shit:
“Admitting my affair was a bonding experience, in the long run. In a sacred ground like marriage, you find yourself out of it at certain times for reasons unknown that can be destructive. There could be a demon that kind of comes out and overtakes you. Do I believe in giving up? No, I don’t. I’m a fighter. I’m a lover.”
If you’ve got a dirty cooch, I’m not here to judge you, but I am here to tell you to clean it out by scooting your parts along that statement, because it’s that doucheified.
David’s wife of almost ten years Jaime Bergman, a former Playboy Playmate he met at the Playboy Mansion, forgave David and I’m happy for her that hours of marriage counseling with Tiger Woods taught her nostrils how to ignore the scent of random snatch milk on her husband’s peen, but I have an Alicia Bridges to sell her (that’s the saying, right?) if she really believes that “demon” shit.
Dear David: BITCH, I know your dick has been to the depths of hell (by way of Rachel’s pussy), but that doesn’t mean you can call it a demon!
Angel is a dumb ass bag of douche sleaze, I swear. The next time Jamie walks in on David side-screwing another piece, he’s totally going to jump up and point to the painted devil horns on his dick head before shouting, “It isn’t me! It’s the demon! Oh, and that other naked ho in the corner got ordained on the Internet to be an exorcist and she’s just here to suck the evil out of me!”
Ashley Olsen Loves Animals To Death a.k.a. Dead (Inside) Animal Wears Dead Animal
Proof that Ashley Olsen loves animals more than you do: She kept the skinned hide of a rare snow leaopard wrapped tightly around her even though temperatures in NYC that day soared to the high 60s! Awwww, doesn’t the obvious concern for our animal friends just warm your heart?
Britney Spears Is Not Smarter Than A 5th Grader
Here’s a mashup of Britney’s “Femme Fatale” promo interviews in the UK. Count how many times she uses the following phrases:
“Ok”
“Uh”
“Definitely”
“Cool”
“Interesting”
“Well, I think”
“Amazing”
“Fun”
“You know”
“Thank you”
Britney’s vocabulary is stuck in the 4th grade.
Kristen Stewart Says Her Teachers Failed Her a.k.a. Kristen Stewart Is A Dumb Bitch
In quite possibly the dumbest statement to come out of an actress’s mouth since Jessica Alba said “good actors never use a script,” Twilight star Kristen Stewart told British GQ that she quit school in the seventh grade because her teachers failed her. And as long as we’re pointing fingers, I’d also like to hear what Stephenie Meyer’s English teacher has to say for herself.
From The Age.com:
Actress Kristen Stewart has lashed out at her former teachers, insisting they “failed” to support her while she was away from class on acting jobs.
The Twilight star began performing when she was just eight years old, and balanced work with attending school before deciding to drop out of mainstream education in the seventh grade when she was in her early teens.
And Stewart tells Britain’s GQ magazine she felt forced to have home schooling because her teachers refused to help her catch up when she was working on location.
“School became genuinely uncomfortable,” she says. “I was feeling a little self-conscious about the acting thing with my peers, but also my teachers became a problem. They didn’t want to do the extra work or put packages together so I could keep up while away.”
“They failed me. My teachers failed me. Not one, but all of them. I’m always slightly ashamed in a way, about what I do. I’m slightly embarrassed as I had such serious ambitions when I was younger, I just never imagined that I would ever have a reason not go to school. But then this happened.”
Yes, how dare those teachers not double their workload and create a special lesson plan for no extra pay so you could serve your country in the important role of “child actress.” People are always saying actors are selfish, entitled assholes, but I ask, isn’t it really the teachers? And yes, I was being sarcastic.
Weezer Bassist Predicts Own Death
*Cue scary music* Two weeks ago, however, Welsh tweeted, “dreamt i died in chicago next weekend (heart attack in my sleep). need to write my will today,” and then added “correction–the weekend after next.”
Whatever. I could also predict my death if I planned on taking massive amounts of drugs on the day itself. That doesn’t make me Nostradamus. That just makes me an addict that likes to plan ahead.
Oh well, rest in peace Mikey…
Demi Lovato Looks Great (Sarcasm)
Remember how Stella got her groove back? Well, I wish Demi Lovato got her eating disorder back. Wait…is that insensitive? Okay, then I wish Demi Lovato wouldn’t follow the same “I don’t give a fuck” diet plan Christina Aguilera has been following.
And if you’re wondering what that fat girl up top has to do with what I just said, it’s because that’s the new Demi Lovato grabbing water and gas in Sherman Oaks. That’s right. From this…
To that…
This is like the exact opposite of every ugly duckling teen movie from the 90’s. Ugh. Look what you’ve done therapists. Teaching women to be comfortable with their bodies and stuff.
Must-Have Item of the Day: Star Wars Lightsaber Candlestick
Embrace the lighter side of dark with ThinkGeek’s Lightsaber Candlesticks, a perfect replica of Darth Vader’s weapon of choice.
The metal base unscrews, so you can switch from quiet candlelit dinner mode to extremely dangerous lightsaber duel (with fire) mode at a moment’s notice. Unfortunately, there’s no Luke’s saber model to cross swords with.
The Lightsaber Candlestick takes any standard taper candle, so you could always swap in some blue ones and get your duel on. If the fire department asks, though, you didn’t hear that from me.
Steve Jobs Portrait Made From MacBook Pro Parts
Mint Digital’s Foundry team used the components from one of Apple’s best products—the MacBook Pro—to construct a portrait of the man himself.
There have been a lot of Jobs tributes recently, but what better way to celebrate him than by using the products he was so proud of?
Good For Health, Bad For Wallet
All you need to do is figure out how to pre-order it from Bandai’s LalaBit Market here, and have $900 you can blow on a piece of truly awesome nerd merchandise. On the other hand, you can spend a fraction on that money on psychedelic drugs, and then have a very different but no less authentic Akira experience. Your call.
Beavis and Butt-Head Return!!!
Anyhoo, the plot hasn’t changed—Beavis and Butt-Head are still young morons stumbling through the world—but the most promising aspect looks to be the way the two watch MTV reality shows like “Jersey Shore” and “Teen Mom.” Or maybe I’m just an asshole who likes seeing stupid things get made fun of. That’s entirely possible.
Get More: Beavis and Butt-Head, MTV Shows, Full Episodes
Christina Aguilera Performs In Michael Jackson’s Sexy Tribute Concert (Sarcasm)
England recently hosted a concert to pay tribute to all the children lives touched by Michael Jackson. Christina Aguilera performed and looked like this. Remember when Christina used to be all thin and sexy and a little dirty? Well, you’ll want to hold on to those memories because they’re not coming back any time soon due to Christina eating them. I’d comment further, but this kid’s face pretty much covers it.
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