Wednesday, October 19, 2011
WTF of the Day: Man Eats Live Scorpion
File this under: WHY DID I EVER WATCH THIS?
A nightmare was born in my stomach and crawled up my throat, dragging a dozen heaves with it as I watched this disgusting ass video, so since I’ve always been your best friend, I’m bringing you down with me. Stop nibbling on your midnight snack of fried egg and tube noodle sandwich for a second and close your throat.
Gawker points us to this gross shit starring Louis of Food for Louis, a dude who is like the nastiest episode of “Survivor” and “Bear Grylls” rolled into one British package. Louis will put ANYTHING in his mouth (it’s your lucky day, Boy Abunda) and has already filled the garbage dump in his stomach with dead roaches, a mice-accino (a.k.a. blended mice) and other kind of horror show foods that you have probably unknowingly eaten yourself at McDonald’s. And for his latest episode, Louis eats a live scorpion.
Nasty fuck. Louis should’ve used that scorpion as nature’s tweezers and plucked those wolf pubes over his eyes instead. Just no. This is like a scene out of Madonna’s boy toy initiation ceremony. In the future, I hope that Louis leaves the live insects alone and puts something even more terrifying down his mouth hole. I’m talking about Snooki’s tongue, Kris Aquino’s used panties or any food item made by Goldilocks.
Must-Have Item of the Day: Zombie Max Ammunition
Ammunition maker Hornady is now offering Zombie Max Ammunition, the first bullets designed specifically to be used against zombies. For real. I mean, the ammunition is real; I’m not sure if Zombie Max bullets actually destroy zombies more effectively than regular bullets—I do enjoy how Hornady’s website described them as “proven,” though.
It’s true, I haven’t seen any zombies recently, so maybe Hornady has been saving our asses while we comfortably watch “The Walking Dead” in our living rooms.
This Is Our Future, Part 8: Kim Kardashian, Role Model
And here we have two young girls crying with excitement, because they are posing with amateur porn star Kim KardASSian. Or maybe they’re crying because Kim is wearing cropped MC Hammer pants? No, wishful thinking. They are really freaking out over the fact that they met Kim Kardassian. Um, refresh my memory. When is the world supposed to end exactly?
Sessy Babe of the Day: Cora Skinner Shows Us Her Good Side
I don’t know a thing about this Cora Skinner chick, mostly because I can’t be bothered to look up every half-naked hottie that shows up on the site, but that’s not going to stop me from posting pictures of this tall drink of water. I don’t think I need an excuse to post shots of some hot babe standing around in her lingerie do I? Enjoy.
Guy Who Bangs Trannies Sues “Hangover II” For Ripping Off His Life Story
Today, we learned of Michael Alan Rubin, a California man who is suing the makers of “The Hangover II,” who he’s never met, saying they stole his life story. Because that makes sense. What kind of lawyer would even take this case?
From The Hollywood Reporter:
Rubin is representing himself in the case…
Ahh, it’s all becoming clear…
According Rubin’s federal lawsuit, filed last week in Calfornia, he married a Japanese woman named Tamayo in 2007 in Japan. Together, the couple honeymooned in Thailand and India where differences started arising over Rubin’s financial condition. During the honeymoon trip, Tamayo refused to share a hotel room with the luckless plaintiff.
In India, Rubin says he met a Bollywood producer who gave him work as a leading actor on several films. At which point, Rubin wanted to turn his experience with Tamayo into a feature film, so he wrote a script entitled ‘Mickey and Kirin’ and allegedly deposited a copy with the Writers Guild of America. He later heard from a Hollywood friend about Hangover II, the story of some Asian misadventures by Americans on the road to a wedding.
“The production of Hangover 2 is not a complete ‘literary’ or ‘artistic’ works of the Hangover Defendants as credited in Hangover 2,” says the complaint. “In fact, the production of Hangover 2 was a result of infringement of the Plaintiff’s treatment ‘Mickey and Kirin’ and exploitation of the private real life of Plaintiff in an insulting manner.”
“First they stole my life story verbatim! Then they insulted me by changing all of the events and details! And your honor, may it please the court, I’d like to ask that the jurors cover their heads in tinfoil to keep from being influenced by my neighbor’s parrot, who’s always had it in for me, and can change people’s thoughts. He’s very sneaky.”
Rubin is suing for copyright infringement, misappropriation of his publicity rights, and defamation. On the latter claim, he believes the filmmakers suggested the inference that he was under the influence of drugs when he ditched his girlfriend and proposed to a male-to-female transexual prostitute.
That is a magnificently convoluted sentence, but if I’m reading that correctly, this guy resents the idea that the filmmakers suggested he was on drugs when he tried to marry a tranny—the last part of which, presumably, actually happened: “Your honor, I was stone-cold sober when I married that she-male! I’m willing to take a polygraph!”
Anyway, I guess it’s cool that we live in such a wonderful free world where anyone can sue anyone else, even if they’re completely batshit insane and their complaint obviously based on delusion. Everyone deserves his or her day in court.
I’d just ask that in cases such as these, the plaintiff be required to wear a foam cowboy hat that says “PLAINTIFF” and the judge’s gavel be replaced with a banana that he pounds against a whoopie cushion.
*throws cat at jurors*
SUSTAINED!
*fart sound*
Holy Fucking Shit, the Next Ghost Rider Movie Looks AWESOME!!!
There was one thing I liked about the first Ghost Rider movie: Nicolas Cage. Seriously. How many actors would have portrayed Johnny Blaze as a brooding whiny emo kid? Most of them. Cage turned him into a jellybean munching man-child, and it was great.
Similarly, I’m a big fan of directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor. “Crank” is a perfect stupid action movie while simultaneously a send-up of stupid action movies, and “Gamer” is actually a shockingly good meditation on how anonymity can be a destructive and warping force. Yes, they made an action movie about Internet trolls, and it’s actually kind of awesome. OK, “Crank 2” sucks, but hell, you can’t win ‘em all.
Anyway, from the look of things, “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” is utterly insane:
- Copious Ghost Rider skull roars.
- A gang of thugs start shooting Ghost Rider over and over and over. One guy freaks out and runs up to his face and starts shooting right into his skull. Ghost Rider fire barfs all over him.
- Blackout made a two-second cameo in the traditional make-up.
- Lots and lots of motorcycle fights and gas explosions.
In short, this movie sounds like, well, a Neveldine/Taylor production. February can’t come soon enough.
Actress Sues IMDb For Revealing Her Age
She’s suing for fraud, breach of contract and violation of her private life as well as her consumer rights. She believes revealing that she’s close to 40 will make it impossible for her to get work as not a lot of 40-year-olds are in demand in the entertainment business. She claims to have suffered a substantial decrease in acting credits, employment opportunities and earnings.
Well that’s just ridiculous. I see soooo many close-to-40 women of Asian descent all the time in movies. Oh, you mean not including Hentai? Nevermind.
From Yahoo:
In 2008 to increase her exposure, she subscribed to IMDbPro which offers “insider information” to paying clients. To join the service, the actress had to hand over her credit card details.
“Shortly after subscribing to IMDbPro, plaintiff noticed that her legal date of birth had been added to her public acting profile in the Internet Movie Database, revealing to the public that plaintiff is many years older than she looks,” the lawsuit states.
“In the entertainment industry, youth is king. If one is perceived to be ‘over-the-hill,’ i.e., approaching 40, it is nearly impossible for an up-and-coming actress, such as the plaintiff, to get work,” it added.
The actress, who lives in Texas, believes details of her age were uncovered by doing record searches using her credit card information, and has asked the site to remove her age from her profile, but it has refused.
Contacted by AFP, Amazon spokeswoman Mary Osako, declined to comment on the case, saying: “We have a long-standing practice of not commenting on active litigation.”
In unrelated news, Catherine Zeta-Jones looked up her IMDb page, gasped in horror and demanded Amazon change her date of birth to her real date of birth, 1976.
Hilary Duff is Hot…Pregnant…Confusing Me
It looks like Hilary Duff is at it again, messing with my mind about whether or not pregnant women can be sexy. My heart says it’s impossible, but this erection says otherwise.
Here she is out doing a little shopping in what looks like leather pants and high heels. Whatever it is, she looks incredible, like a normal woman, not one that’s got another human being inside her.
I’m so confused. I want to make jokes about her getting all fat and swollen like she’s had a strange allergic reaction, but I can’t. She’s fucking hot!
Madonna Looks Hot
NO! Madonna wishes! This is the ghost of Lindsay Lohan’s future (LiLo wishes!), Courtney Love, scarring and scaring the students at Trinity College as she graciously accepts an honorary patronage of the pharmaceutical society in Dublin yesterday.
The air in the theater was thick with crazy and farts that contained an undertone scent of metal, and one member of the audience remembered to return his Planet Earth DVDs when he watched Courtney stumble across the stage like an albino otter trying to swallow a catfish head whole. But believe or not, nobody ran out of the theater screaming for their Jesus, because Courtney gave them everything.
In this picture, Courtney showed the audience what most sober people do when they come across her in the wild in broad daylight…
In this picture, Courtney is telling everyone to sit very still and not move, because she thinks she saw a coke granule float into the room on a sliver of wind…
In this picture, Courtney forgot that she was in a room full of people and did some sucio shit that took 5 Catholic priests and a gallon of whiskey to cleanse off of the stage floor…
In this picture, Courtney passed out again while standing up as her nose punctured a new hole in itself for air…
Finally, in this picture, Courtney’s complex thoughts became too much for her brain to take and she could feel it trying to slip out through her nostril holes. She can feel it! Can’t you see it? She can feel it!
What I’m trying to say is that this fucked-up bitch gave everyone a whore de force performance! This looks like a corner crackie performing a one-whore version of “The Birds” for the hobos in the park. Courtney is playing Tippi AND the birds.
The audience better have stood up and did what the free clinic doctor does after Courtney asks why her coochie looks like that: CLAPPED! Because Court gave them a show! Court also gave them nightmares to take them through the New Year, which is why she was kind enough to sell them all sleeping pills she smuggled in from England. Courtney is a one-woman EVERYTHING!
There’s an “Underworld” Anime…and It Sucks!
If there was ever an excuse to go all-out with gratuitous boob jiggles, crotch shots and ridiculous violence, I’d think an Underworld anime would be it. You’re obviously not making a “My Neighbor Totoro” type film here, so you might as well play to the movies’ strengths, right? I mean, an anime version of Kate Beckinsale in a black leather catsuit should make men’s pants fly off comically. This anime Kate Beckinsale doesn’t even have a goddamned nose. What the hell?!
Jennifer Aniston and Her Sweet Spinster Boobs
It’s kind of weird, I woke up this morning with a strange craving for some pictures of forty-two year old breasts and then this happened. Odd.
Here’s Jennifer Aniston at some party for aging cougars, showing off all kinds of awesome spinster boobage: cleavage, sideboob, the whole package. The woman is really good-looking, who cares that she seems to be cursed when it comes to romance?
I would love to wake up next to this hottie every morning…until I get bored with her and move on to a younger chick of course. Call me.
Kelly Rowland and Her Sweet Subtle Boobs
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