Thursday, July 5, 2012
Top 5 Lamest Avengers Ever
Assuming you haven’t turned on the TV since February or been to the theater in the last couple of years, you might not be aware of it, but an Avengers movie recently came out and made a killing at the box-office. Naturally, expectations are high for the sequel, and nerds like myself are already falling over themselves speculating on which heroes might make appearances in the second installment.
But running time is scarce and, for a team that’s been around since 1963 and frequently switches members, you can bet there are a lot of characters that won’t make the cut. That may be for the best, because the Avengers have certainly seen their share of unimpressive members over the years. Here are five that you can bet won’t be making it onto even a direct-to-video sequel in the years to come:
5. Moon Knight
Moon Knight is a Batman-esque urban vigilante who dresses entirely in white in order to better conceal himself in the shadows and skulk around dark alleys. That should tell you all you need to know about his mental state but, just in case, he’s an ex-mercenary who struggles with multiple personality disorder, occasional hallucinations, and uncontrollable violent rages. This makes him the only superhero who might save you from a mugger, then suddenly realize you’re his great-aunt Mildred who died back in ’82…and he hated his great-aunt Mildred.
4. Doctor Druid
Let’s get it out of the way first: “balding” is not a good look on a superhero. It’s superficial and all, but when you’re talking about a universe where everyone looks like a supermodel or a male stripper, the George Costanza look is going to stand out. But what hurts him the most is that he’s a magician whose name is not “Doctor Strange.” Fair or not, popular characters carve out niches in superhero universes, and everyone else instantly becomes an also-ran. Thus, anyone’s reaction to seeing Doctor Druid is an automatic “Oh… uh, so I guess Doctor Strange wasn’t available?”
Damn, does this guy look goofy. The trick with archery-based characters like Hawkeye and Green Arrow is how to make them seem useful on a team with guys like Superman or Thor. It can be done, but writers really have to get creative to invent situations where an arrow will do the job in a way that heat vision or repulsor rays just won’t. But at least an arrow is a ranged weapon. Think how much harder it is to make a character work when his power is that he, uh, has a sword. And he’s pretty good at using it. That puts Swordsman on a par with every guy who’s ever attended a Renaissance Faire.
D-Man is one of those characters created to be a hard-luck success story, only he never became very successful. Wearing an outfit modeled on Daredevil’s short-lived original costume, D-Man started off as a member of a super-powered wrestling league, but his strength was coming from a highly addictive drug. Eventually kicking the habit, D-Man helped Captain America a few times and finagled a sympathy “Yeah, sure, you’re an Avenger…uh, we’ll call you if a REALLY big menace comes along. Something worthy of you” kind of membership.
1. Gilgamesh the Forgotten One
Wow, where do you start with Gilgamesh? I guess the costume, since wearing horns and the upper half of a cow face on your head will never, ever be cool. I also don’t think the skirt is going to strike fear into the hearts of evildoers, and there are way too many colors working at odds in that outfit. He’s obviously based on an actual mythical hero, but not one of the cool ones like Hercules or King Arthur. Instead, Gilgamesh has to hope you’re familiar with the exploits of an ancient Sumerian king and, even for nerds, that’s pushing it.