The insanely hot Irina Shayk is topless in the February issue of Esquire UK. Nuff said.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Irina Shayk Topless
The insanely hot Irina Shayk is topless in the February issue of Esquire UK. Nuff said.
The Hottest Sluts of 2011, Part 1
The results are in, so here’s the completely subjective list of the hottest sluts of 2011. There was one simple criteria: BE HOT AND FAMOUS. That’s it. I didn’t care if these chicks could act, sing, or sip absinthe while debating Kant and Kierkergard.
The criterias were 1) Are you famous? Yes? 2) Would I stick my penis in your vagina? Yes? Congratulations, you’ve made the list! Oh, I know, I know, you could see a hundred other girls hotter than this at the mall. Totally. Well then, next time you see them, tell them they should be famous if they’re so damn hot. Anyway, here we go:
10. Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer played Mystic in “X-Men: First Class” and stars in the highly anticipated film adaptation of “The Hunger Games.” I would also like very much like to get her pregnant then have this whole drawn-out thing where she finds out I’m not ready for commitment and that I've left town.
9. Blake Lively
Blonde, slutty and legs longer than that thing at the end of “The Mist”—Blake Lively couldn’t do a convincing job of playing a corpse on screen, but who cares? Her brain stem is only there so we can see her legs move around.
8. Ashley Greene
To say I would do unspeakable things to her vagina is a horrific, horrific understatement, but there seems to be a large contingent of people (you bastards) who think Ashley Greene isn’t pretty. That’s because you fail to understand the difference between pretty and sexy. “Pretty” you want to look at and admire their beauty. “Sexy” you want to throw against a wall and make her orgasm change the rotation of the Earth. I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.
7. Minka Kelly
Sure, there’s a very large chance that she may have contracted herpes from NY Yankee star Derek Jeter, but 4 out of 5 doctors agree that it would be worth future outbreaks if you had a chance to bang Minka Kelly.
6. Mila Kunis
It seems like Mila Kunis has been hot for twenty years, but she’s only 28 and wow that sounds creepy when you think about it. Also, her going down on Natalie Portman in “Black Swan” didn’t hurt her spot on this list. In fact, it helped. It helped it a great deal. *unpauses Black Swan DVD* Be right back.
To be continued…
The criterias were 1) Are you famous? Yes? 2) Would I stick my penis in your vagina? Yes? Congratulations, you’ve made the list! Oh, I know, I know, you could see a hundred other girls hotter than this at the mall. Totally. Well then, next time you see them, tell them they should be famous if they’re so damn hot. Anyway, here we go:
10. Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer played Mystic in “X-Men: First Class” and stars in the highly anticipated film adaptation of “The Hunger Games.” I would also like very much like to get her pregnant then have this whole drawn-out thing where she finds out I’m not ready for commitment and that I've left town.
9. Blake Lively
Blonde, slutty and legs longer than that thing at the end of “The Mist”—Blake Lively couldn’t do a convincing job of playing a corpse on screen, but who cares? Her brain stem is only there so we can see her legs move around.
8. Ashley Greene
To say I would do unspeakable things to her vagina is a horrific, horrific understatement, but there seems to be a large contingent of people (you bastards) who think Ashley Greene isn’t pretty. That’s because you fail to understand the difference between pretty and sexy. “Pretty” you want to look at and admire their beauty. “Sexy” you want to throw against a wall and make her orgasm change the rotation of the Earth. I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.
7. Minka Kelly
Sure, there’s a very large chance that she may have contracted herpes from NY Yankee star Derek Jeter, but 4 out of 5 doctors agree that it would be worth future outbreaks if you had a chance to bang Minka Kelly.
6. Mila Kunis
It seems like Mila Kunis has been hot for twenty years, but she’s only 28 and wow that sounds creepy when you think about it. Also, her going down on Natalie Portman in “Black Swan” didn’t hurt her spot on this list. In fact, it helped. It helped it a great deal. *unpauses Black Swan DVD* Be right back.
To be continued…
SCOOP: Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus Are Dating!!!
Wow this is getting good! Earlier it was reported that Demi Lovato, heartbroken from her recent breakup with longtime boyfriend Joe Jonas, had a nervous breakdown and was confined to a rehab center. Good news for Demi fans as she’s back in LA and dating none other than noted town bicycle Miley Cyrus.
Skeptics will argue that Miley is just an obvious rebound for Demi, but I see the way they are looking at each other in these pictures and there is obviously a spark between them. Not to mention these two young dykes have a lot in common. They both whore themselves for the Disney channel, and they both make terrible songs even with the aid of super computers.
The Miley Cyrus-Demi Lovato power couple or “Milato” is the hottest thing going in Hollywood right now. As these pictures show, these passionate lesbian sluts make an adorable couple.
Celebrity Sex Faces, Part 2
One of the perks of being a celebrity is that you get to fuck pretty much anything you want. Animal, vegetable, mineral, it is all game. So naturally with all that fucking going on celebrities have developed distinct “sex faces.”
We’ve been lucky enough to capture a few on camera, as well as some interesting sexual facts about some of Hollywood’s biggest stars. Enjoy!
Name: Kristen Stewart
Interesting Sex Fact: Kristen Stewart can only achieve orgasm after a vigorous session of anal fisting.
Name: Tiger Woods
Interesting Sex Fact: Tiger Woods likes sex…a lot!
Name: Kristen Bell
Interesting Sex Fact: Kristen Bell can shoot a ping-pong ball 50 feet out of her vagina.
Name: Robert Pattinson
Interesting Sex Fact: Robert’s pubic hair is longer than his penis.
Name: Taylor Lautner
Interesting Sex Fact: Taylor has only one testicle, and it is small and misshapen.
Look Ma, No Panties: The Jessica Alba Edition
Oh how the mighty have fallen! At one time, Jessica Alba thought she was a serious actress and refused to accept her role as masturbation fodder for the horny masses. Now Jessica Alba’s career is all but dried up and she is resorting to Paris Hilton-like tricks to frantically try and regain her lost fame.
Just look at these obviously planned “upskirt, no panties” pics of Jessica Alba. Are we to believe that Jessica just happened to wear a short black dress with no panties, and then she just happened to wander over to some glass balcony were a cameraman just happened to be waiting?
Listen Jessica Alba, we get it. You desperately want to become a big star again, and you know the only way that is going to happen is if you show a good amount of vagina. However, going about it by pretending to be caught with no panties on is so Lindsay Lohan, and you are slightly better than that!
If you have finally accepted that you are a filthy whore who’s only use to the world is pleasing men with your body, then I will help. I have a great little photo studio set up in my basement. We’ll keep it very classy and get those Jessica Alba vagina pictures out to the public the right way. Let me know.
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