ASIAN EROTICA: Japanese Slut in the Shower!!!

Some of my best friends are hangovers…I don’t know what that means, but if you’re one of the many fuck-ups who are going to kill themselves because you’ve had enough of this hell and feeling like a fucking loser, I suggest you do it in style. You might as well go out with a bang.

But don’t be one of those assholes who shoot up a bunch of people before shooting himself. That’s the wrong kind of impact and I hate people like you.

You only die once, so make it count. Not that I recommend suicide, but this isn’t the suicide hotline. I know that as depressed and pathetic as I am, I’d never do it, because it’s too fun to laugh at misery in the face…while laughing at the idiots all around me. Seriously, they are everywhere.

Here’s some sexy shower pics of some anonymous Jap whore…rest in peace…loser…

The Shallow Man Diaries (Part 64): Top 7 Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch “Magic Mike”

Having recently caught myself doing things I never thought I would do (e.g. sipping “calm” tea at Starbucks, noticing the differences among various types of Chardonnays, etc.), I decided to draw the line.

The line was drawn by making a pledge to never do certain things for the rest of my life—for instance, to never wear a scarf, to never eat sushi (continuing my lifelong streak), and, finally, I vowed to never see the movie “Magic Mike” despite intense pressure from The Girlfriend.

To commemorate this momentous decision, I present to you my Top 7 Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch Magic Mike:

I would rather...

1. Pursue a career as an anal masseuse.

2. Lick off Oprah Winfrey’s make-up.

3. Masturbate with Ben Gay for one month.

4. Wear LeBron’s used jock on my face for a week.

5. Smear honey on my butt and sit on a beehive for one hour.

6. Stick a glass rod up my ass and ride a motorcycle for a mile down a railroad track.

7. Stick my head up an elephant’s ass after it had diarrhea.

Katrina Halili Pre-Stardom Topless Pics!!!

If I spent the same amount of time negotiating with hookers—you know, from making all sorts of false promises to offering money—as I did negotiating advertising deals, or anything that involved actual business, I probably wouldn’t be still be living with my mother who lets me steal 500 pesos a week from her for drinking…because this site doesn’t fucking deliver.

True story.

Anyhoo, here’s Katrina Halili before she got famous and got a nose job, Botox injections, a chin tuck, liposuction, a sex change, etc., etc.

“Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance” Movie Review

Whether you’re trading your soul for your Dad’s life or just another fat paycheck and a name above the poster, deals with the devil are never a good idea.

It’s been five years since stunt rider Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage) signed on the bloody line and became Beelzebub’s flaming-biker bounty hunter. Sniffing out evil and sucking the souls out of bad guys whenever his head catches on fire, Blaze finally wants rid of his cursed vigilante alter ego.

A visit from Idris Elba’s mad monk convinces him that salvation lies in rescuing a creepy child from the clutches of Ciarán Hinds’ scenery-munching Satan and he sets off for Eastern Europe’s cheapest shooting locations to set things right.

Helmed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (purveyors of Crank’s glorious X-rated opera of silliness) Ghost Rider’s second road trip is less the rollicking highway to hell it could have been, and more like the bargain bin of a motorway service station.

Burdened with a saggy midriff that spends far too much time milling about with monks, the film goes flatter than its own post-conversion 3D.

Thankfully, Nicolas Cage is just as multi-dimensional as anybody could ever hope for. Oddly humorless, one of the dullest Marvel adaptations still manages to be frequently hilarious thanks to Cage’s wide-eyed, twitchy masterclass in overacting.

 

Looking like a middle-aged man on a permanent acid trip, his banshee scream of “I’ll eat your stinking soul!” is destined for YouTube greatness on the second volume of “Nicolas Cage losing his shit.”

A handful of lusterless FX showdowns are used as so-so bookends, but without the kookiness and half as much hot-chain-whipping action, it somehow manages to make the awful 2007 original look pretty good. Not for nothing is the most memorable moment doused in a stream of flaming piss.

Verdict: “Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance” is funny in all the wrong places and long at 95 minutes. Cage might be in fine psychotic form, but the flaming skull barely manages a sizzle this time around.



Grade ★ ★ 1/2 out of 5 stars