Top 5 Most Vomit-Inducing Lines from “Fifty Shades Of Grey”

Awkwardly accompanied by stock photos, of course.

P.S. This “mommy porn” sensation is #1 on the New York Times bestseller list right now. Another sure sign of the Apocalypse. Mark your end of the world calendars, kids!

Abby Poblador’s Boobs Sell Cars

I just had a case of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sure, it’s probably not the first time I’ve predicted my miserable fate, but it’s the first time that I told a tasteless joke and less than 12 hours later, it happens to me.

I made a joke about Lady GaGa getting hit in the head yesterday, hoping she got Natasha Richardson-ed, to put an end to her so the world would be a better place. Last night, I was on a chair getting something off a shelf, when I fell head-first, hitting a cabinet.

Apparently, the chair broke under my weight, resulting in a full concussion, but I’m not into doctors or undergoing brain scans, because if my brain is bleeding, it’s probably meant to be.

These series of events are making me think GaGa is not just the Devil’s music, or the Devil’s creation, but is in fact THE ACTUAL FUCKING DEVIL! And now she’s out to get me…unless this was Natasha Richardson’s doing, teaching me a lesson not to mock brain injury that kills.

Seriously, what are the fucking odds? I don’t believe in coincidences. So here’s Abby Poblador and her amazing cleavage at some car show. Enjoy masturbating while I debate a hospital visit…and/or possibly die.

Alyzza Agustin is Pretty in Pink…Panties

I fell in love with a Satan worshipper last night. Bitch had an upside cross on her forehead and was posing with her arms out like she was the Antichrist. The crazy slut was screaming at everyone walking by her, wearing a belly shirt and mini skirt, all toned and hot, like a model gone bad—shaved head and the mark of the beast. I wish I recruited her to do porn.

Anyhoo, here’s good girl (who I’d love to turn bad) Alyzza Agustin doing a sexy striptease in her pink underwear. Enjoy, pervs!