Chinese Cleavage Clamp Commercial

A hypnotic Chinese ad for some sort of boob-smooshing corset device. I don’t have any idea what they’re saying in this commercial. Quite frankly, I don’t really care.

The Shallow Man Diaries (Part 1): The Morning After

It’s my purgatory, really, inner drinks, whatever. I’m never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. Because it’s true: all women are, in one way or another. You know, there’s always something about every damn one of you. It’s a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures—my life’s work.

But then there’s the morning after, a hangover, and the realization that I’m not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And then she’s gone, and I’m haunted by yet another road not taken.

I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I’ll Fuck My Way Out

I’ll say it.

I like to fuck.

I do it a lot. And sometimes it gets me into unfortunate situations. Like right now. Right now I am royally fucking fucked.

See, I went to this big dinner party the other night, trying to stay out of trouble, but lo and be-fucking-hold, who’s there but one of the fuckfiends from work, wearing fuck-me pumps and this little green skirt.

So I fucked her.

Twice.

First time quick, second time slow. And then I fucked her friend Michelle (a great fuck), and Michelle’s bisexual lover, Alexis, and her ex-girlfriend Rina, who’s a fucking Persian sex goddess.

Same bed, same night. Fucking incredible fucking. Then it hits me: Fuck. Rina is my boss’s daughter, that fucking fuck

My damn girlfriend told me last week that if I don’t stop fucking other chicks she’s going to “walk out that (fucking) door and never come back.” And it takes a fuckload of nerve for her to say that.

But look, I’m not some two-bit fuck who fucks up and then expects some other fucknut to clean up his fucking mess. A man’s got to take some responsibility or he’ll never amount to shit. I fucked my way into this, and by God, I’ll fuck my way out.

I’m so far the fuck up shit’s creek, I can’t see straight, but that’s my own fucking problem. If I’m between a rock and a hard fuck, I’m going to choose the hard fuck every time.

No regrets.

I saw an out-of-this-fucking-world gorgeous piece of ass-meat, and I pounced like a fucking cougar. Any fuckhead who thinks I should have fucking walked away is a fucking fucktard and I’ll say it to his fucking face, the fuckface. But fuck if I know what to do next.

If my dad were still alive, I’d cry on his fucking shoulder. Man, I really stuck my fucking cock in it this time. I know a lot of fuckwads who wouldn’t do fuck-all about this predicament, just fuck off for a while and wait for the whole thing to blow over. But you see, that’s just not this motherfucker’s style.

What the fuck ever happened to accountability?

I can be a real fuck, sure, but I fucking finish what I start, and not just when I’m fucking. In the end, I only see one way out of this: more fucking.

Much more.

An all-out, nuts-in-the-guts fuckfest. 

Yes, one false-fucking-move and you’re ass-first in a fucking genuine clusterfuck real fucking quick—but do I look like a green-eared sportfucker to you, fuckrod?

Item Number Fuck on my agenda?

Swoop home like a fuck-falcon and fuck my old lady like I love her. Keep fucking the skirt girl, plus hot-fuck Rina to keep that screamer quiet. Then line up a pity-fuck-and-suck with that fat-fuck deli chick, roll on out for a balls-out fuckfest with the Korean twins (ménage-à-fucking-trois, for you French fucks), and a three-day, four-night fuck-stravagaza down to Mexi-fucking-co next month to see the fuckable Miss Esmerelda.

At the end of the day, I don’t really give a fuck. These women can fuck me around, but they know not to take it too fucking far.

You know why?

Because you don’t fuck with a fucker, that’s why. And if you fuck with a fucker like me, you’ll end up being the fuck that gets fucked.

Simple as that.

Fuck.