The Daze of My Life: 03/22/11

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Shallow Man Movie Review: Rango

Existential, inventive and irreverent, “Rango” is already the best (and strangest) animated movie of 2011.

The film’s colorful characters, witty dialog, movie references and beautiful artwork make “Rango” a pony ride worth taking.

“Rango” is still showing at Gateway Cineplex 10

Lady GaGa Is Losing Her Hair

I’m naturally beautiful with a classically handsome face, so I basically roll out of bed in the morning and look amazing, but there are other people who God hates, so He makes them ugly. Like Lady Gaga. She’s only 24 and she has to slather on so many chemicals to look human she’s already losing her hair. From The Sun:

The icon is already facing repercussions because of her addiction to fashion. She’s bleached her hair so much that it is falling out (and) now has to “get a chemical haircut because my blonde hair is falling out.”

The amazing thing is that her hair color is the least of her problems. If you had to make a list of all the things wrong with CaCa, “brunette” wouldn’t even come up until day 7.

Hot Slut of the Day: Claudia Cardinale

Eyebrows so meticulously drawn that the Royal Academy of Arts is devoting an entire course to them...

Palms so shiny that the rumors about them being covered in stretched mother of pearl must be true...

A hairfall of curls that is so luscious that I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the true inspiration for Medusa’s fro...

Teeth that are the same color grown men see when they blackout from witnessing this she-beauty lick her lips at them....

It could only be one woman: the Temptress of Tunisia known as Claudia Cardinale!

It’s been years since she’s blessed us with her ravishing beauty and at an event at the Italian embassy in Germany the other night, she showed us that she’s still as stunning as ever.

We all want to be crystal ashtrays in our next lives, so that we can cradle the ashes that fall from her 90th cigarette of the day.

Those aren’t gradient lenses on Claudia’s glasses. They are crystal clear lenses that slowly burned and baked from the white-hot heat that wafts off her brows.

And many don’t know this, but Claudia’s teeth are really gleaming white. They know the twin marquees over her eyes are the real stars of her face, so they dim themselves to let her brows really shine.

Speaking of her teeth, I bet that’s what an angel’s toenails look like in heaven.

And if you want a major case of the sads, check out what Claudia Cardinale looked like before…

Tiger Woods Is An Idiot

The mess you’re looking at is the October 2010 mug shot of Alyse Lahti Johnson after she was pulled over for DUI. Turns out she’s Tiger Woods’ new girlfriend, proving God really does have a sense of humor after all.

So not only has Tiger significantly downgraded from Elin Nordegren…

…who he epically cheated on, but he’s dating a Miss Faces of Meth candidate who’s already blabbing to friends how she’s using him. RadarOnline reports:

“She sent a BBM to a mutual friend of ours saying she didn’t consider herself Tiger’s girlfriend. They were just having a good time hooking up,” the source tells us.

“That’s in keeping with Alyse’s personality,” the source says. “She is a really nice girl, smart and super friendly. And she’s also a bit of a wild child. She definitely likes to have fun.”

Shorter version: She does anal.

Alright, look, I understand Tiger probably doesn’t want anything serious either, but you’d think with his money he’d be able to buy any woman he wants, starting with one who doesn’t look like she steals pills from the elderly during her shift at an Arkansas nursing home.

If I were him, I’d be chasing my ex-wife’s twin sister with a sack full of diamonds and yacht keys, but that’s just me and my fear of change coupled with a deep appreciation for Swedish models.