Clyde: “Are you crazy? Did I hear you just turn down a date with that girl? C’mon man, reel her in.”
Me: “Clyde, I’m not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.”
Clyde: “Well, there are these rules that guys have, an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation for example: it’s not cheating. It’s never cheating when you’re in a different area code.”
Me: “That makes no sense.”
Clyde: “Hey, don’t look at me, dude. I didn’t make up the rules.”
Me: “What rules are you talking about?”
Clyde: “No, no…this is legit! I’ve actually read an article about this. There’s a whole bunch of them. It’s like…they’re like loopholes. Like, for argument’s sake, let’s say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it wouldn’t be cheating…”
Me: “Because they would cancel each other out?”
Clyde: “Exactly! Or if, uh, you’re too wasted to remember…it is not cheating…because if you can’t really remember it, it never really took place.”
Me: “Oh God…”
Clyde: “It’s not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off…because it’s your dog.”
Me: “Jesus Christ!”
Clyde: “You know…because it’s YOUR DOG, get it?”
Me: “Yeah, I got it.”
Clyde: “Besides, you’re already cheating! Anytime you pass up sex, you’re cheating on yourself!”
For anyone depraved enough to recall, you may remember an annoyingly eco-friendly cartoon program from the early 90s called Captain Planet and the Planeteers—or as my friends and I used to call it “that horrible cartoon with the green-haired creepy dude.”
Well, apparently it’s been months since the last decent loaf tumbled out of Cartoon Network’s idea factory, so the powers that be thought it a cool idea to rehash the past and throw together a haphazard motion picture project based on the goofiest franchise they could find.
As of right now, the project is set to be produced by Don Murphy and Susan Montford, the same producers from Transformers. Oh great.
Producers say that the property’s entertainment value will dovetail with a larger timeliness.
“With the earthquakes, tornadoes, melting icebergs and all the other problems threatening the world right now, Earth really needs her greatest defender,” said Montford.
No cast or filmmakers have been brought on board yet.
Her greatest defender? Hmmm, pretty sure some gentle-voiced adult who hangs out with kids all day is the last person who should be in charge of regulating Earth’s defenses. I mean, Chuck Norris sure, but Captain Planet?
This is the same dude who convinced Ma-Ti that “Heart” is a worthy ring power to wield, right? Yeah, okay sure…you guys stick with your magic Cracker Jack prizes, while Chuck and I go karate chop terrorists in half.
My childhood hero MacGyver a.k.a. Richard Dean Anderson. Leaving the grocery store. With cereal. I’m sorta freaked out right now. BUILD SOMETHING OUT OF YOUR GROCERIES DAMMIT!!!
Sure, the Dancing Squid Seafood Bowl looks supremely unappetizing, but if you paid for a Dancing Squid Seafood Bowl, it better damn well come with a dancing squid.
