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Remember “Tales from the Crypt,” the adult version of “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” that you could watch if your parents were irresponsible enough? It’s coming back.
A new version of the show is currently in development and while details are scarce, there’s one thing that we do know: The Crypt Keeper will be involved.
We’d like to make a humble suggestion about said keeper of the crypts—make him human. Sure, that creepy puppet from the original was a thing of nightmares, but there’s one thing scarier than a fake zombie wearing a tux, and that’s a real one.
So we’re putting on our casting director’s cap to suggest four people who could play The Crypt Keeper without even wearing makeup. We are still in a recession after all.
Kirk Douglas
Kirk Douglas actually looks good for a 94-year-old. Of course, anyone who doesn’t have worms crawling out of his eyeholes would look good for a 94-year-old.
Eddie Van Halen
We’re pretty sure guitar god Eddie Van Halen has been a member of the walking dead since OU812.
Clint Eastwood
Clint Eastwood is the one on the left. Sorry Dirty Harry.
Keith Richards
Like The Crypt Keeper, Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has indulged in his fair share of nose candy. But unlike the crypt keeper, Richard's has managed to keep his schnoz.
I know I shouldn’t keep beating a dead whore again, but Pamela Anderson’s FACE! This bitch obviously doesn’t have any true friends in her life, because a real bitch would tell Pamela her face looks like it needs yellow police tape around it. That’s real talk.
I really just want to call 911 so that the fire department can come and hose down her Face of Meth. The bitch who did Pam’s make-up has bigger problems than she does. Her make-up job was definitely done by a crackhead with shaky hands who ran out of black eyeshadow, so used burnt-up charcoal ashes instead. This is a face don’t!
Seriously, Pam’s face can be found in the backroom of my nightmares. She has a face only a cum facial could love. Whatever Pamela Anderson is doing, she needs to do the fucking opposite. Looking like the bastard love child of Chucky Doll and the Toxic Avenger is not cute.
