NBA + Marvel = AWESOME

ESPN used Marvel comic covers in their NBA preview issue!

Check out all of them below…

Hollywood’s Turned Hellraiser Into Doucheraiser

To everyone who’s ever enjoyed the works of Clive Barker in general or the Hellraiser movies in particular: My apologies. Because in no way did you deserve “Hellraiser: Revelations,” the new movie that has turned the once proud franchise into the latest made-for-teen horror knock-off.



Let’s see…cast entirely with young douchebags? Check. A needless “Blair Witch Project/Cloverfield” shaky cam motif? Check. No sense of actual horror whatsoever? Check and check.

Christ, even the new Pinhead looks like he’s covered in Axe Body Spray, which is so wrong it’s actually horrifying. So in that sense…yay?

Don't Do It

Do NOT, under any circumstances, click this link.

If you absolutely must click it, please, for the love of all that is good and unseeable, do NOT scroll down.

Rihanna In A Bikini, Not Happy…Neither Am I

Rihanna and some of her friends were on a yacht off the coast of France earlier today, and for the most part she just sat around with a pouty look on her face, but I’m the one who should be upset because she has a big ass and no tits and I hate girls like that. 

And also when she makes this face she looks like Dino.

But if you’ve ever wanted to see Flintstones dog in a bikini, today is your big day.

Oh, Hey There Megan Fox

Megan Fox looked absolutely terrific yesterday in a super short gray dress on the set of “This is 40,” although I’m sure tons of homos and fat chicks will still act like she sucks.

Speaking of which, here she is answering a question about me, and how she keeps our secret weekend getaways exciting. It’s too bad that her husband had to find out this way.

Tasteless Joke of the Day: Big, Fat & Juicy

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber says, “Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad.”

The pickle looks at him and says, “You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar.”

The penis looks at them both and says, “You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!”

The Shallow Man Comic Strip of the Day: Lord Grant Me…

Epic Photo of the Day: I Can Explain Everything

Caught in the act!

Must-Have Item of the Day: Levi’s Sperm-Cuts

One of my biggest fashion pet peeves are “fancy jeans.” That’s any pair of jeans that are bedazzled, painted, embellished, or appliqued in any way. I find “fancy jeans” offensive. But these “cum wad pants” take “fancy” to a whole new level.

The Greatest Duck Tape Commercial Evah

Tron fanboy stars in a Tron-themed duct tape ad.

Now we know how it’s possible to get trapped in the Grid for 20 years: that duct tape is strong stuff!

Duck Tron from Ryactive on Vimeo.

The Shallow Man Movie Review: Conan The Barbarian

“Conan The Barbarian” treats story and character as so many enemies to be vanquished, progressing from nowhere to nothing and leaving only a greasy taste in the mouth as a reward.

There’s just not a lot to like here, with the exception of what may be one of the all-time best bad movie lines, one Conan utters to Tamara as a kind of personal credo: “I live. I love. I slay. I am content.” That makes one of us.

“Conan The Barbarian” ain’t a pretty sight—in fact, it’s downright barbaric.

Grade ★ ★ 1/2 out of 5 stars

Nick Ashford Has Passed Away

Valerie Simpson is without her Ashford today, but heaven is now with a mighty lion whose nipples blow out glitter confetti (proof above) and can whip out a melody with just the flip of his glorious mane.

Nick Ashford of Ashford & Simpson is now singing God’s permanent campaign song “Solid” live up in heaven today. Nick passed away from throat cancer at a hospital in New York last night. Nick was 69 years old.

Ashford & Simpson’s love first bloomed when they met in 1964 and they immediately started making beautiful music together. Together they wrote: “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” “I’m Every Woman,” “Reach Out and Touch Somebody’s Hand,” “Found a Cure,” “Ain’t Nothing Like The Real Thing,” “You’re All I Need To Get By” and a million more.

Basically, if Ashford & Simpson never wrote songs together, our ears, Marvin Gaye, Chaka Khan, Diana Ross, romantic comedies, every stupid contestant on every stupid singing reality competition, karaoke bars, your mom on cleaning day and wedding DJs would all be fucked.

Nick is survived by his partner in everything Valerie and their two daughters.

Rest in peace, Nick.

Rant of the Day: Pig Girl Brings The Delusion In Heavy Doses

A stumbling tornado of delusion, denial, cellulite and fried split ends crashed onto my eyeballs this afternoon when Pig Girl sent a teardrops- and snot-stained PM. The dumb ho paddled down her personal river of denial with a rambling, incoherent, alcohol-infused mess of a message.

I made sure to put the voice of reason in my head on mute before reading it, because if I didn’t, I would only hear “put a straitjacket on her mouth” over and over again. And I didn’t read any of it out loud or two men in white coats would have come into my home to drag me to the nearest crazy house. Which is what should’ve happened to Pig Girl after she spewed that insane ridiculousness. 

Pig Girl’s charbroiled Grimace-like body may be on this planet, but her brain is still floating around space somewhere. The. Bitch. Is. CRAAAAAAAZY!!!

What. More. Is. There. To. Say? Delusion is a hell of a drug.