Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Since reading subtitles is stressful and it’s hard to focus on words when you’re trying to find the half-popped popcorn kernel at the bottom of a bag in a dark theater, I have Americans to thank for doing their own version of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” And here’s the first trailer for it...
“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” needs an American version as much as Boy Abunda needs a plate of vaginas, but this doesn’t look that awful. I was all ready to write a 1,000-word hate essay about how I’d rather fuck myself with Swedish meatballs from Ikea than watch this mess, but David Fincher, Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara plus Trent Reznor and Karen O’s cover of “Immigrant Song” has changed my mind.
The tagline has even inspired. This is definitely the perfect holiday movie to take my little daughters to see right after I tell them that the SEAL Team 6 killed Santa Claus.
NBC uploaded a bunch of clips of the Miss Universe candidates answering questions. But the best of the bunch is Miss Japan, Maria Kamiyama, who explodes through this video like a whirlwind of cuteness and mispronounced L’s.
Here’s a whole bunch of screaming hot new Armani Underwear advertisements featuring a blond haired and scantily-clad…Rihanna?! Holy hell, I thought this was Megan Fox’s gig! WTF?!
Well, first let’s just calm down, and second, let’s just pretend that Megan is taking a very short sabbatical, and that Rihanna is just stepping in for the meantime, so we can all enjoy these sexy photos instead of resent them.
Seriously though, Rihanna looks wickedly sexy in these shots, and it’s partly due to her funky blond hairdo…but mostly due to her shwingtastic cleavage, legs, and killer curves in sexy underwear. Enjoy!
Carla Gugino, who looks even more boobtastic and attractive in real life, is in the October issue of Esquire. Topless. And bottomless. I’m not exactly sure what she’s promoting but I hope it’s for a new celebrity campaign called “Show Me Your Tits.”
Miss USA, known offstage as Alyssa Campanella, really went balls-to-the-wall with her national costume for the Miss Universe Pageant: Stars, stripes, ribbon, shoulder fringe, and a George Washington-style hat the likes of which only a drag queen could dream up.
Yep. That’s her. In case the flag distracts you from the other details of the outfit, here they are…
The epaulets, the blue ribbon, and that glorious, glorious hat…it’s like Washington crossing the Delaware to go to Hooters. I officially love this outfit, precisely because it is the most ridiculous thing maybe ever.
Oh Zach Snyder. You’re going to have to eat some shit today, my friend. Let me be not the first to say “Sucker Punch” was terrible. Not terrible like “Bad but filled with boobs and a certain anime sensibility I can get behind,” but rather “Terrible, like I can’t stand this movie so much all I hear in my brain is a super loud buzzing noise.”
I told my buddy Clyde that it was like someone took a whole bunch of popular Internet search terms, put them in a hat, did an 8-ball of cocaine, and then pulled the terms out in random order: “sexy,” “teen,” “ninjas,” “battle,” “steam-punk,” “Clockwork Orange,” “Nazi,” “zombies,” “giant,” “mecha,” “Hello Kitty,” “robot.” I’m not even exaggerating. That was a scene.
I can almost see the executive at Warner Brothers throwing his head back fast after doing a few rails, rubbing his nose violently and shouting “Fuck yeah!” in the pitch meeting. It’s not that I don’t like all those things. It’s that at some point I reach a saturation point of ridiculous shit I’m willing to swallow for the promise of maybe seeing boobies. And trust me, that saturation point is WAAAAY up there. Boobies are awesome.
Now this being the Internet, everyone in the world has already talked about how terrible this movie was, because well…it really was. So I am hard-pressed to find an interesting way to talk about it that you haven’t heard somewhere before. Maybe I’ll try to list the positive things. Okay...
1) Emily Browning has really long false eyelashes that stay on well, I mean...they don’t look like they’ll ever come off.
2) Also they didn’t let that Vanessa Hudgens chick from the Disney Channel talk very much and eventually shot her in the stomach presumably to die a slow painful death lamenting High School Musical 3, I hope. (1 and 2 were dreamy. Shut up.)
3) The implication that all girls seek a dream world to escape into when faced with difficult situations was semi-interesting. (Bitches Be Crazy, Yo!)
4) The fact that the dream world they create for themselves is one in which they are all whores, was an interesting touch. (Bitches Be Horny, Yo!)
5) I also really appreciated them taking the time to zoom in on the committal paperwork when the main character is being locked away in the nuthouse. “Oh! She’s 20! She’s not a minor! What a relief! Here I was afraid I was being titillated by an underage girl!”
6) Another great discovery I made in this movie is that, as a filmmaker, if I ever get to a point in the plot where the idiocy is verging on overwhelming, I can just start shooting in slow-motion and raise the audio level on the soundtrack and play techno remixes of 90s alt rock anthems instead of wasting all that time and money developing the character and story to the point where just one goddamn thing makes a lick of sense.
7) And the choice of a remix of The Pixies “Where is My Mind” when the girl first goes into the asylum? (*kisses fingertips*) Bravissimo! So subtle!
Visual: Even the most unflinchingly brutal reviews of “Sucker Punch” are gonna call the movie a glossy, gleaming visual spectacle, so yeah, of course these two Blu-Ray discs look great.
Audio: The distinctness and clarity throughout the soundtrack are pretty incredible; as chaotic as the action can get, I still feel I can clearly discern each and every individual element in the mix.
Subtitles: English SDH, Arabic, Chinese, Indonesian subtitles are offered.
Extras: “Sucker Punch” is a two-disc set, with the first Blu-Ray disc featuring the theatrical cut and the second showcasing this new R-rated extended version.
“Maximum Movie Mode”: Every so often, Zack Snyder steps onto the frame, with different images in different panes that he can freely play, pause, and even rewind. The discussion not surprisingly swirls most intensely around the movie’s visuals: how some particularly ambitious shots were pulled off, what’s real and what’s CG, and what elements were subtly repurposed for some visual continuity in the real world and in Baby Doll’s delusions.
This Maximum Movie Mode is driven mostly by running picture-in-picture video, showcasing lots of behind-the-scenes footage, thumbnail storyboards, animatics, and interviews with the cast and crew. “Sucker Punch” also lets viewers branch off to high-resolution still galleries keyed to certain sequences.
“Sucker Punch: Behind the Soundtrack” (3:00; HD): The lone traditional featurette on “Sucker Punch” briefly touches on how music helps shape the different worlds showcased in the film.
“Animated Shorts” (11:00; HD): Four animated shorts flesh out the backstory behind each of the film’s fantasy realms.
Grade ★ ★ out of 5 stars
Available at all Astrovision and Astroplus branches nationwide
Special thanks to OrangeMagazineTV, LG and Astrovision Greenbelt 5 branch
P.S. Carla Gugino, you are goddamn lucky I saw your cans in Sin City, otherwise there is no way we could ever be together after this.
Serena Williams took me up, up and away and forced me to worship her as the Grand Asshole Queen of the Court when a priceless “I Will Shove This Ball Down Your Froat” rage rant came shooting out of her soul at the US Open in 2009 and during yesterday’s women’s final match she gave us the sequel we’ve all been waiting for.
It all started when the words “COME ON!!!” came out of Serena’s mouth at the ball she served to her Samantha Stosur during the first game of the second set. The umpire Eva Asderaki turned on the bitch in Serena when she penalized her with a code violation, giving Samantha the point and the game. And when she turned on Serena’s bitch, she turned on my dreams!
Now, the Serena of 2009 would’ve taken that “COME ON!!!” ball and threatened to teabag rape the umpire with it. But the Serena of today is more grown up and understated. So, Serena let her entitled cunt gene simmer a bit before later serving Eva the kind of “Mean Girls” monologue Suri gives to Katie Homes when she brings her the wrong high heels from the shoe closet.
Gawker transcribed the beautiful aria that would only be true if Serena said it to a mirror:
“If you ever see me walking down the hall, look the other way, because you’re out of control...”
“You’re totally out of control, you’re a hater, and you’re unattractive inside. Who would do such a thing? And I never complain. Wow…”
“We’re in America last I checked. Can I get a water or am I gonna get violated for a water? Really, don’t even look at me! I promise you, don’t look at me, ‘cause I am not the one. Don’t look my way.”
Serene (typo that’s only meant to be read with your sarcasm filter on), of course, lost that shit to Samantha and refused to shake hands with Umpire Eva at the end of the game. Afterward, Umpire Eva went home, sat back in the tall chair (yes, they even sit on those tall chairs at home) at her tall dinner table with a glass of red wine and tucked herself in with the image of mad as hell Serena trying to cool off her charbroiled asshole by fanning it in the air:
Yeah, Serena should just project her ass twerkin’ video onto her forehead and nobody will ever look her way and everybody will keep their eyes focused on the sidewalk cracks when they pass her in the hallway.
But Serena still gets the game point from me. Bitch used “not the one” this year, which means next year she’ll definitely pull out “I’ve got your number, hussy.” YESSSSS! This is some ‘roid rage I can agree with.
Since she’s a shy wallflower who doesn’t like to draw attention to herself and prefers to live her life with quiet dignity, Lady CaCa walked through NYC this weekend in a see-through black doily looking like a Gargamel corpse bride.
In case you missed it, here’s Serena Williams doing The Daze of My Life mating call at the 2009 US Open semi-finals.
When the line judge called a foot-fault on Serena’s second serve, she flipped the cunt switch, stormed over to the tiny little Asian woman and reportedly said something along the lines of: “I swear to God, I’m going to take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat.”
If was the judge, I’d immediately start playing with my nipples while wiggling my tongue at Serena, because in my circle that is a pick-up line! Don’t threaten me with a good time, Serena! Feed me your huevo!
But the line judge didn’t take it that way and she immediately went off to tattletale. Apparently, the line judge said Serena threatened to kill her ass.
Because of Serena’s bitchburst, she was given a second code warning causing her to lose the match and the semi-finals to Kim Clijsters.
Now, I don’t know anything about the rules of tennis, but I do know everything about the rules of bitchery and Serena followed every single one of them! Fuck this “1-Love” shit. Give me more “1-I’LL SHOVE THIS FUCKING BALL DOWN YOUR THROAT” shit!
And at the press conference following the match, Serena stayed true to her bitch moves and didn’t offer up an “I’m Sowwy.” That’s right. The line judge should apologize to Serena for turning down her piping hot offer. RUDE.
“Silence of the Lambs” lied to our faces when they tried to make us believe that Clarice Starling shot down Buffalo Bill at the end. That didn’t happen, because Buffalo Bill faked his death, got race re-assignment surgery, joined the Glittery Gaysians of YouTube, and has realized that making performance art tributes to Our Lady of Cheetos is much more terrifying than making jumpsuits out of human lady skin.
This NSFAS (not safe for any situation) high art shit that Lady CaCa will obviously try to copy and paste will make you laugh, it will make you cry, it will make you schedule an appointment for a prosciutto facial, it will make you slow clap since this terror unicorn lip-synchs better than Britney and it will make you give a thumbs up to that piñata for having a fresher weave than the ho it’s modeled after.
This definitely puts the nightmares in the basket. Hold me, Precious. Hold me!
One week ago, Madonna made hydrangeas the happiest flowers alive when she sort of publicly declared she loathed them, and today she released a bitchified video “love letter” to her arch rival (hydrangeas, not aging with dignity) where she gave her best performance since her water bottle blowjob scene from “Truth or Dare”!
Warning: If you’re unlike Madonna and don't loathe hydrangeas, you should prepare your emotions since several hydrangeas were harmed in the making of this shit.
It’s just a fact that Jenga Dog is the most talented bitch on The Daze of My Life today, yesterday and tomorrow. Jenga Dog has the patience of a hooker on Ritalin trying to get Charlie Sheen’s coke peen to stand up and the balancing skills of an Iranian teahouse waiter…
If you’re still not impressed, then watch Jenga Dog do this while on his back!
These skills are going to come in handy when Jenga Dog has to get a job waiting tables at TGIF after he runs away from home, because he’s sick of his owner teasing his ass with a tower of milk bones. This is like putting a warm wiener under Boy Abunda’s nose while telling him not to nibble. CRUEL!