Everything is relative, right? Of course it is. Yet, everyone I know bitches about something, and I only know people lucky enough to be born in the most beautiful country in the world, and none of them were crack babies. So where’s the beef, y’all?
Everyone is an obnoxious whiner, including me. I’m especially awful. Think about it. I was born with no birth defects whatsoever, yet I feel slighted. Where do I get off? Haven’t I been given everything I could reasonably ask of our Creator that I could reasonably fathom? Am I supposed to throw a fit because I’m not a Zobel de Ayala or have Hollywood star looks?
Maybe I’m just a brat for complaining at all since I’m not starving and fighting off flies, or since I’m not a genetic disaster. Really, shouldn’t I be smacked for even complaining at all?
Think about it. I could have any number of strikes against me just due to random chance when I was born, yet I didn’t, and yet I complain. Do I take things for granted? Sure. Just think…
1. I Could Be Mentally Retarded
Well, this is probably not that awful if you have a supportive family. But if you don’t, welcome to “Sling Blade.” Before the Enlightenment, if you had any obvious birth defect you were fish food.
So look on the bright side, I’m still alive. I think of the mentally retarded whenever I curse God because I forget my wallet in the car. I think of them, yet I complain.
Very fixable, if mom and dad have the money and desire to fix you. If they don’t, well, your only chance of getting laid for the rest of your life involves a negotiation along the lines of “P500 for regular, another P200 for special requests.”
If they do fix it, you might play the villain in “Gladiator.” If not, enjoy solitude, dude. So there’s a range for pity here, from zero to “dude, that sucks.”
The way I see it, you could have been born anywhere to anyone. And if you are in North Korea, life probably blows. Unless your dad is Kim Jong-Il or knows him directly, life sucks every second.
We bitch when we can’t find an ATM. Imagine not remembering when you last ate. Imagine being so weak from hunger that you can’t even bat away the flies attacking your eyeballs.
When I think about it, I really feel guilty for when I cursed God for giving me soft calves. But He did (God, you and I will talk later).
4. I Could Have Been Saddled With A Terminal Disease
I’ve had this cough for almost a week now. I complain about this like I survived the Holocaust. I’m sure AIDS patients or some little kid with cancer would have little sympathy for me on this one. Don’t know for sure, just guessing.
I know I started this race with a lead. It’s just tough to not have anything to blame your failures on. Which I don’t. And as I say this, some retarded North Korean kid with HIV and a cleft palate is staring at me and shaking his head. And I say to him...
5. “Dude, relax, it could be worse, you could be related to Boy Abunda.”