The Shallow Man Diaries (Part 47): The Days of Whine and Neuroses

Everything is relative, right? Of course it is. Yet, everyone I know bitches about something, and I only know people lucky enough to be born in the most beautiful country in the world, and none of them were crack babies. So where’s the beef, y’all?

Everyone is an obnoxious whiner, including me. I’m especially awful. Think about it. I was born with no birth defects whatsoever, yet I feel slighted. Where do I get off? Haven’t I been given everything I could reasonably ask of our Creator that I could reasonably fathom? Am I supposed to throw a fit because I’m not a Zobel de Ayala or have Hollywood star looks?

Maybe I’m just a brat for complaining at all since I’m not starving and fighting off flies, or since I’m not a genetic disaster. Really, shouldn’t I be smacked for even complaining at all?

Think about it. I could have any number of strikes against me just due to random chance when I was born, yet I didn’t, and yet I complain. Do I take things for granted? Sure. Just think…

1. I Could Be Mentally Retarded
Well, this is probably not that awful if you have a supportive family. But if you don’t, welcome to “Sling Blade.” Before the Enlightenment, if you had any obvious birth defect you were fish food.

So look on the bright side, I’m still alive. I think of the mentally retarded whenever I curse God because I forget my wallet in the car. I think of them, yet I complain.

2. I Could Have Had A Cleft Palate
Very fixable, if mom and dad have the money and desire to fix you. If they don’t, well, your only chance of getting laid for the rest of your life involves a negotiation along the lines of “P500 for regular, another P200 for special requests.”

If they do fix it, you might play the villain in “Gladiator.” If not, enjoy solitude, dude. So there’s a range for pity here, from zero to “dude, that sucks.”

3. I Could Have Been Born In North Korea
The way I see it, you could have been born anywhere to anyone. And if you are in North Korea, life probably blows. Unless your dad is Kim Jong-Il or knows him directly, life sucks every second.

We bitch when we can’t find an ATM. Imagine not remembering when you last ate. Imagine being so weak from hunger that you can’t even bat away the flies attacking your eyeballs.

When I think about it, I really feel guilty for when I cursed God for giving me soft calves. But He did (God, you and I will talk later).

4. I Could Have Been Saddled With A Terminal Disease
I’ve had this cough for almost a week now. I complain about this like I survived the Holocaust. I’m sure AIDS patients or some little kid with cancer would have little sympathy for me on this one. Don’t know for sure, just guessing.

I know I started this race with a lead. It’s just tough to not have anything to blame your failures on. Which I don’t. And as I say this, some retarded North Korean kid with HIV and a cleft palate is staring at me and shaking his head. And I say to him...

5. “Dude, relax, it could be worse, you could be related to Boy Abunda.”

The Shallow Man Archives: I Bleed Blue

Last night at Manor Superclub in Eastwood, I started flirting with a pretty cute girl. As the night wore on, and the drinks started flowing, she took me back to her apartment. When I entered her room, the first thing I saw was a giant Rico Maierhofer poster. Without saying another word to her, I left.

My buddies have never stopped making fun of me since this morning, but I still insist that it was the proudest moment of my life as a die-hard Atenista. Can you please give me some consolation, or should I have just swallowed my pride?

In my defense, I would not qualify her as “hot.”

Scarlett Johansson Admits Divorce Was Her Fault

The New York Daily News reports:

Scarlett Johansson may have had the blues after splitting from Ryan Reynolds last year, but at least the divorce gave her better biceps. “At first I was quite depressed,” Johansson told German magazine GALA. “After about a week or so I pulled myself together and started to go to the gym all the time.”

Johansson, 26, married Reynolds in 2008, and they separated by the end of 2010. Their divorce was finalized in July. While the notoriously private actress declined to dish on what exactly led to their break-up, she said she tends to be “overcritical” of herself and others and “incredibly impatient” in relationships. “I pass judgment on people quite quickly,” said Johansson. “That can get me into trouble from time to time.”

So a great pair of tits doesn’t compensate for being an insufferable cunt all the time? Fuck. Be right back, I’m calling my mom to let her know I’m probably going to die alone.

Hot Sluts of the Day: Joey and the I Quit This Bitch Orchestra

Steven Slater’s dramatic cunt exit down the JetBlue evacuation slide to freedom is still the Mona Lisa at the I Quit This Bitch Museum of Fine Arts, but this guy Joey has just earned a special place there by getting a big brass band to play him off after he told his boss in so many words to wrap that job around a cold dick and eat it.

Joey writes on YouTube that he worked at the Renaissance Providence hotel for over 3 years and during that time upper management treated their toilet shits better than they treated their employees.

Joey organized a union, won a few victories for the employees and tried to fight the man, but management still refused to play nice and so he finally brought out the theatrics for his big resignation.

A drill team carrying giant SUCK THIS JOB flags would’ve added a nice touch, but the band blowing out Joey’s sigh of relief for him did the trick and more. You know you broke up with your job the right way when your boss looks like he’s about to shoot hot piss through his ears.

I wonder if the I Quit This Bitch orchestra plays break-ups too?