One-Man Led Zeppelin

The one and only Michael Winslow of “Police Academy” fame performs Led Zeppelin’s “A Whole Lotta Love” on some TV talk show.

Just watch. Don’t speak. I’ll be here when you’re done.

Cosplay of the Day: The Pixar Lamp

Best costume ever? Yes. Creepy? Also yes.

The Shallow Man Diaries (Part 48): I Walk The Line

Having recently caught myself doing things I never thought I would do—sipping “calm” tea at Starbucks, noticing the differences among various types of Chardonnays, etc.—I decided to draw the line.

The line was drawn by making a pledge to never do certain things for the rest of my life—for instance, to never wear a scarf, to never eat sushi (continuing my lifelong streak), and, finally, I pledged to never see the movie “No Other Woman” despite intense pressure from Marielle.

Justin Bieber Is Cheating On Selena Gomez With This Chick

I can’t remember if Justin Bieber is still dating Selena Gomez, and complete indifference is keeping me from looking it up, but if he is, Justin Bieber might be cheating on Selena Gomez with this 19-year-old Argentinian model named Macarena (WTF?) Lemos. They reportedly met up in a restaurant in Buenos Aires last week.

And although very attractive, you might be surprised that she’s not hotter, but you have to keep in mind that he’s clearly a homosexual.

Rihanna Vomits Ribbons In New Video

In case you haven’t already chewed off a glow stick to this, here’s Rihanna’s video for “We Found Love” which is like “Trainspotting” wrapped in “Requiem for a Dream” wrapped in every episode of “Skins” wrapped in ho shit wrapped in the vomit that comes out of your mouth when you eat nachos while high on Ecstasy. It’s an ass-to-ass and dead baby on the ceiling scene away from being a copyright infringement lawsuit!

You know, it’s all about how sometimes the stupid hugs your heart when you’re in love and it makes shit out pills, take baths in your damn clothes, dance on top of fastfood tables and swallow the smoke load from the one you love.

But the bigger issue here is that Rihanna barfs up ribbons. THE BITCH BARFS UP RIBBONS! Do you know how many asshole hos are going to get drunk at parties, shove ribbons in their mouth holes and then barf it up for a picture they plan to post on their Tumblr?

We’ve had planking, owling, coning and now we’re going to have ribboning. Thanks, Rihanna. I’ll curse your name as I pick up saliva ribbons off of my living room floor after a party.

Quote of the Day: Patrizia Gucci Just Wants To Water Her Plants

This gold diamond beauty may have the face of a perfect glamorous angel whose air kisses taste like lip liner and money, but she has the heart of an ice-blooded evil monster. Patrizia Gucci was sentenced to 29 years in prison back in the 90s after she successfully ordered the hit of her ex-husband Maurizio Gucci, heir to the Gucci fortune, because she wanted more alimony.

Patrizia is up for parole and when she went in front of the board at San Vittore jail in Milan, she said something that is the hottest and yet cuntiest thing I’ve heard today:

“No thanks as it would mean getting a job and I have never worked a day in my life. I would prefer to stay in my cell and water my plants and take care of my ferret.”

I don’t know whether to slap that crazy bitch or slap myself for loving her.

(Source: The Daily Mail)

Avengers Trailer Gets A Super Fun Parody Version

Would it be sacrilege to say I prefer this trailer to the real Avengers trailer? These homemade movie making warriors have put together a ridiculous film where everyone looks like they are having the most fun possible. I only hope they attempt to make a feature length (or at least longer parody) version of the film once it is released.

WOW! My First Cease and Desist Order!!!

I finally popped my cherry! Today I celebrate my very first cease and desist order because of my blogging…

To Whom It May Concern:

The images of ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY at the link below are protected by copyright law and are the intellectual property of photographer SIMON EMMETT.

These are outtakes and have clearly been leaked to your site by an unauthorized entity.

http://joeyinadaze.blogspot.com/2011/08/rosie-huntington-whiteley-has-outtakes.html

Please remove them immediately to avoid legal action and send me an email confirming that they have been pulled down from this page and anywhere else on your site where you know them to exist.

Thank you in advance for a prompt response.

Justin Stuart Rose
Office of Communications
TRUNK ARCHIVE
466 Broome Street, 4th flr
New York, NY 10013

T: 212 356 0099
F: 212 356 0095
www.trunkarchive.com http://www.trunkarchive.com/

So if you saw the photos in question, good for you. They were smoking hot! If not, sucks for you. I’ve already taken them down. On a related note, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley was at a launch party for Vertu in Milan yesterday.

On another very much related note, if I ever meet some guy and he says, “I invented that fabric that makes it seem like you should be able to see a girls tits through it but you can’t no mater how long you stare,” I’m gonna kick him right in the balls. That stuff is bullshit.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Does FHM

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley dressed as a topless native American for the November edition of the South African FHM. Quotes next to her spread include, “I love to eat. It’s a really important part of my life,” and “My baby fat melted away as I got older.” Women will love reading this. The fact is ladies love hearing how supermodels eat all the time and easily keep the weight off and that their fat melts away with age. It certainly does not fill them with self-loathing and doubt (sarcasm).

I Want to Marry This Picture

This picture of Lindsay Lohan being handcuffed in court today just warms the cockles of my heart. This is going to be my Christmas card.

The full story: Judge Stephanie Sautner completely annihilated LiLo and her lawyer, Shawn Holley, in court today. Then she revoked Lindsay’s probation, set bail at $100,000, and made her be lead away in handcuffs even though Holley brought a bail bondsman to court. I want to have Judge Sautner’s babies.

TMZ reports:

In a blistering hearing, Judge Stephanie Sautner revoked Lindsay Lohan’s probation, had her cuffed and set a hearing for November 2, when Lindsay could end up getting as much as a year-and-a-half in jail. Judge Sautner said Lindsay was completely responsible for being thrown out of the Downtown Women’s Center, where the judge told her she must complete probation.

The judge concluded Lindsay violated her probation, scoffing time after time, incredulously reading from the Probation Report—the section where Lindsay told the Probation officer she didn’t find the Woman’s Center “fulfilling.”

The judge dismissed Shawn Holley’s argument that Lidnsay had to leave town to work, and that’s why she missed a number of community service appointments, saying, “She’s supposed to be an actress, from what I hear.” The judge could barely contain her contempt for the Probation Dept., which gave Lindsay a glowing report. Judge Sautner said the Probation Dept. had no authority to send Lindsay to the Red Cross to do her community service and said Lindsay would not get credit for the time she served there.

Before Lindsay was taken away in cuffs, the judge said Lindsay must complete 16 hours at the morgue before the November 2 hearing. Although Lindsay could get sentenced to nearly a year and a half in jail, a frustrated Judge Sautner noted new laws and overcrowding would make such a sentence unlikely.

Phew! Better than sex. Anybody have a cigarette?

A Very Good Reason To Cancel Christmas

Some doctors might say that I burned away most of my brain cells from watching every episode of “Jersey Shore” at least 12 times and from snorting the insides of a Dexatrim pill as a dare once. But the truth is that they all ate themselves out of madness from hanging around the mall during holiday times and listening to the same 15 damn stupid Christmas songs over and over again.

This song, that is already number one on iTunes, will join the evil army of Yuletide melody terrorists this holiday shopping season. It’s a lesbian beaver from up north breathing out mistletoe-killing note after mistletoe-killing note. It will ruin your holidays. It will also be the reason why you’ll have no gifts to give to your loved ones this year. Every time this mess comes on in a store, you’ll have no choice but to punch everything and everyone in the aisles as you run out of there to crash head first into the nearest tree. Your loved ones will understand. It’s a natural tick.

Also, note to Justin Bieber: When the shawty you’re calling a shawty is about as shawty as you, you shouldn’t call her a shawty. You should call her an astallasme-ey, or something.