Stupid Movie Poster of the Day: The Muppets

Perverted Thought of the Day: When I look at Kermit the Frog’s hands, all I can think about is one of his fingers smelling like bacon *winks*

Oh hell yeah! Gonzo in pink sequins! I’ve gone gonzo in pink sequins myself on a few occasions…I recommend it.

Is Fozzy Bear the only person who ties a tie like that? I don’t think I’ve seen it anywhere else. He’s got a regular tie that he ties like a cross between a bowtie and a bolo. It’s pretty baller.

Must-Have Item of the Day: The “Do Not Disturb I’m Masturbating” Sign

There isn’t a teenage boy in the world that doesn’t need this.

WIN of the Day: Epic Mission

Terminate with extreme prejudice!

Salma Hayek and Her Awesome Cleavage

I don’t know if any of you saw Salma Hayek on “Late Night with David Letterman” last night, but the woman is still amazing. I watched the whole thing in slow motion, it took about two hours, but it was totally worth it.

Here she is outside the studios dropping a very nice, very large amount of Latina cleavage. Perfection. I just want to strip down and dive in there headfirst.

Sessy Babe of the Day: Melanie Iglesias’ Hotness Finally Hit The Big Time

Obviously, when I say that this Melanie Iglesias hottie just hit the big time, I mean that she’s finally made it onto this wonderful website. You’re welcome.

I don’t know much about her. I think she won Maxim’s hometown hottie contest, but she was kind enough to share this awesome picture of her tight little body in a sexy bikini so who cares?

I’ve also got a video of her in some Halloween costume below. Welcome to the big time princess. Call me.

Hot Slut of the Day: Ling Valentine, the UK’s Crowning Queen of Car Leasing!

As of yesterday, the name “Ling Valentine” was about as familiar to me as the different kinds of sushi, but after reading about her I’ve learned that she’s the BOSS of LingsCar.com, is a Chinese immigrant who conquered the British dream (no, not to be a domestic helper, but to run her own business and shit), became famous from an episode of “Dragon’s Den,” is good at the Twitter, and is somewhat of a gay icon.

But the shiniest jewel in Ling’s crown is her HIGH ART website, which has been named the worst website EVER. It’s like a tossed HTML salad with blended Craigslist dressing—a beautiful wreck. It’s the paradise where Angelfire and Geocities pages go after their owners have discarded them and left them for dead. Just spending a few seconds with it will make blind hos see and will make seeing hos go blind.

I don’t live in the UK and I’m not looking to lease a car, but if I was, I would stuff myself into a tank and shoot myself over to Ling Valentine’s lot. Ling’s mess of a website hypnotizes me into doing so. It’s also hypnotizing me into fucking my eyeballs with a neon marker…

The 7 Most Awesome Movie Super Villain Costumes

Yes, there are indeed many super villain costumes that turned out great on the big screen. Hats will be tipped to excellent achievements in make-up and prosthetics as well as clothing. Some of them are more comic book accurate than others, but each captures the essences of these illustrated adversaries.

Not all of them are from good movies, but they’re all visuals worth remembering. Plenty of effort went into combining the best traits of the source material with what works on film. These costumes should be appreciated for translating idiosyncrasies rather than going for the homogenized, mundane style that Hollywood wants to shove down the public’s throats.

7. The Shredder, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”
Putting a samurai helmet and giant razor blades on a ninja is an instant recipe for a badass costume. He’s got all the right offensive armor. Sometimes he wears a crumpled cape to add majesty as King of the Foot Clan.

6. Red Skull, “Captain America: The First Avenger”
Red Skull wore a modified SS uniform that looks distinctive without looking too futuristic for WWII. The prosthetic make-up tops everything off by making it look more organic than in the comics, yet still instantly recognizable.

6. Ming the Merciless, “Flash Gordon”
Ming’s highly ornamental costumes show that Ming can sit back and let his henchmen do his legwork because he’s the most powerful man in the universe. Red, black, and gold are the only colors he wears because the Emperor is strict when it comes to what hues are permitted on Planet Mongo. And if you don’t like the dress code, he’s got a death ray for you.

5. Poison Ivy, “Batman and Robin”
Poison Ivy’s costume makes her look like she stepped out of “A Midsummer’s Night Dream,” and this is a good thing. This regal outfit reflects her dream of subjugating the world with fiendish flora. 

4. Loki, “Thor”
The most important thing to get right about Loki is that he wears absurdly large horns on his head, a test I’m happy to say that the Thor movie passed with flying colors. He wears lots of rich greens and gold armor that make him look medieval yet futuristic. His stylish cape holds it all together. But really, the rest of Loki’s outfit is just icing on the cake that is his bitchin’ awesome helmet.

3. Venom, “Spider-Man 3”
The costume department took everything that made Venom cool and added more detail to it: instead of being just a glossy black bodysuit, it has the fabric texture and the raised webs from movie Spider-Man’s tights. Equipping him with jagged alien eyes, discolored talons, a slavering mouth filled with fangs and an elongated tongue brings the horror movie aspects of the character to life. 

 
2. Catwoman, “Batman Returns”
Vacuum-sealing Michelle Pfeiffer in shiny vinyl made sure she always looked sleek and sexy, and while the corset and high heels aren’t practical, they emphasize the fetishism inherent in every incarnation of the character. Pfeiffer played the role with such gusto that the costume never appears degrading. Its white stitching mirrors how the pieces of Selina Kyle’s broken psyche were put back together wrong after her rebirth.

1. The Joker, “Batman”
And the big winner is 1989’s Joker! This is the best costume because it doesn’t try to reinvent the wheel. This Joker is the perfect counterpoint to the dour gothic-industrial Gotham City and its Caped Crusader. Purple is the ideal color for the Clown Prince of Crime because it symbolizes both royalty and madness. These are the clothes a man who refuses to blend in.

The movie understands that the Joker is at his scariest when he looks like a children’s TV show host. His bright, friendly appearance perfectly belies that he’s a sadistic psychopath. He’s dressed to the nines because he’s the consummate egotistical showman, and his acid-spraying orchid boutonnière makes the ensemble even classier.

Truly, these are the clothes of a man who enjoys his job. And that fellow’s job is gassing innocent people to death so their corpses look as exuberant as he does.

Lindsay Lohan Naked in Playboy a.k.a. Every Copy of Photoshop Just Deleted Itself

Because Hugh Hefner can’t remember what flavor of breakfast pudding he had this morning, let alone the fact that every pair of eyeballs on this planet have seen Lindsay Lohan’s freckled titty sacks so much that we could all draw them from memory on an Etch-A-Sketch, Playboy is writing her a check for almost $1 million to flash those saggy zombie tits in a cover spread called “The Last Nail In My Career’s Coffin Has Nipples!”

TMZ says that Playboy originally offered LiLo $750,000 and she spit on that number, because she thinks her crusty nooks and crannies are worth at least $1 million. So Playboy came back with an unknown number that’s just under $1 million, and since Lindsay’s lawyer doesn’t accept rim jobs as payment, she snatched up that deal.

They started shooting the spread this past weekend and E! News is hearing it’s for the January 2012 issue (a.k.a. The Apocalypse of Lohan’s Career Issue). E! News is also saying that the entire spread will include zero nipples and zero shots of her bare ashcrotch (that fire was put out a long time ago).

Hustler and the producers of soft-core porn movies didn’t even bother countering Playboy’s offer since they know that in about 6 months they can get Lindsay for a half bottle of Thunderbird and a small pile of sea pebbles.

You know who should really get $1 million for this spread? The brave soul who has to burn his knuckles off while Photoshopping that mess.

They have to turn LiLo’s “candy corn shat out of hell’s asshole” teeth into glistening white Chiclets…

They have to brush away her bruises and use the shit out of the “cocaine away” tool to erase the meth from her face…

Hugh Hefner is totally going to have to give that Photoshop artist the “Remember your training, and you will make it out alive!” speech from “Starship Troopers”…

Reserve the Purple Heart for that Photoshop artist, because he’s going to deserve it when all is airbrushed and done.