New “Need For Speed” Videogame Commercial: The Best Thing Michael Bay Has Ever Done

I get accused of being a hater on a lot, but I do like some things. Many things, in fact. And I’m not so jaded that I can’t recognize good work even if it’s by someone I normally loathe, such as...oh, I don’t know...Michael Bay. In fact, Bay made the above commercial for “Need For Speed: The Run” videogame, and I think it’s the best work he’s ever done.

Let me explain: Bay certainly has an eye for action, I’ve always admitted that. What he has a problem with is story, characters, humor, dialogue, and pretty much everything else. This is why his movies are terrible, but this also makes him ideal for commercials, since commercials don’t need any of the above stuff—they just need to look good.

Furthermore, commercials are short, meaning Bay’s new-shot-every-point 5-seconds style actually works for commercials. No one needs to know what the hell is going on in a commercial, which works perfectly with Bay’s limitations. Further furthermore, even at two minutes long, Bay just doesn’t have time to include awful bullshit like robot balls, dogs humping, pot-brownie-addled mothers, etc.

In short, Bay should make commercials for the rest of his career. Also, we should legally forbid him from making movies, just to be sure. See? I can be nice!

The Shallow Man Diaries (Part 52): Thoughts From a XXX Store

One of the shopping malls here in Cubao has an “Adult” store that has been there for a while despite the fact that a lot of people protested it during the planning stages because they thought it would bring drugs and hookers into town.

Unfortunately, they were wrong.

So I went in there the other day because, as the saying goes: “Nothing spruces up your lovelife like a fresh set of nipple clamps.”

Here are some things I thought about whilst perusing:

1. Who the hell uses THAT?!

2. The fact that the Ron Jeremy dildo, modeled after his own penis, actually has a picture of him smiling on the package leads me to believe that no one would ever ever buy it.

3. I’m not sure why, but they sell little corncob pipes here.

4. Regarding Item No. 3, my new goal in life is to meet the guy who walks into an adult store and walks out with a corncob pipe.

5. Regarding Item No. 4, I totally want to be that guy. I’m buying this frigging pipe.

6. Analogy: Gay porn movies are to heterosexual men as the prospect of being covered in tarantulas is to arachnophobics. *flees that area of the store quickly*

7. Some of these dildos are almost taller than me. I could actually climb some of these dildos for sport given the proper arch support in my sneakers.

8. “The Dildo Climbers” would be a great name for a rock band.

9. They sell “Cherry Scented Anal Lube.” That has to be a special kind of post-coital odor. Now instead of someone saying “it smells like sex in here,” they’d say, “it smells like someone shit out a pint of Cherry Garcia.”

10. Based on the majority of these movie titles, guys will screw pretty much anything.

11. They sell a “penis extender” which is basically a little prosthetic penis hat for your dick. On a related note, I want to be a fly on the wall when the decision to use that thing happens:

Guy: “Mmmm. How’s that, baby?”

Girl: “Meh. You need, like, 3 inches more length and some girth. Go get the penis hat.”

12. One way to turn your girlfriend off on the idea of a sex swing is to actually show her the box with the model using it. Just seems like she has to do a ton of work using all her strength for just 5 minutes of payoff.

13. They sell a bunch of novelty items here. On that note, I’m pretty sure the only time I’d ever turn down a piece of cake is if it was served to me looking like a cock.

14. Guys, if you ever feel inadequate about your penis size, go into a store like this and look at all the fake ones that girls can choose from.

YOU WILL FEEL WAY WORSE.

15. Do penis pumps really work, Clyde?

Undecided on what to buy I started leaving the store empty handed but not before looking at the sales clerk:

Me: “Thank you.”

Clerk: “Okay. Have a good one.”

*pauses at door*

Me: “I’ll be back for one of those corncob pipes, though.”

Clerk: “......”

Then I left.

Sessy Babe of the Day: Kelly Brook Posing For Something In Her Undies

Kelly Brook and I have had an ongoing Internet love affair for years now. She may not admit to it, but secretly on Twitter… Well, she still won’t admit it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Here she is in some lame photoshoot for something nobody cares about looking absolutely gorgeous…as always. Honestly, the woman is probably the most perfect woman I’ve ever seen aside from the stripper that just finished rubbing herself up against me.

Donatella Versace IS Glamour a.k.a. JLo, Kindly Take Five Steps To Your Left

The noun “glamour” and the name “JLo” go together like Posh Spice and solid foods, but Glamour Magazine still defied logic by naming her as one of their Women of the Year in some ceremony at Carnegie Hall in NYC last night.

They gave her an ugly trophy that looks like a Target logo orgy and asked her to pose with the Claymation goddess who designed the dress she wore last night. WRONG MOVE.

On her own, JLo mugs the camera like the lens is an extra hung Q-tip and she’s a Botoxed Siamese cat in heat. But when you put JLo next to the exquisitely crafted Donatella Versace, her face falls into a state of natural demureness. Bitch looks so “made from the earth” next to Donatella. And we all know that natural is out for 2011! So JLo needs to follow the exit signs and let the glorious Candy Kong Muppet take in all the camera clicks.

JLo also needs to hand Donatella that trophy, because glamour IS a woman who is put together with Silly Putty and whose jowls tells us that she mines for diamonds with her mouth on the weekends. Fall back, JLo! Actually, JLo probably did fall back when she let go of Donatella and down came that bobble head toward her.

Excuse My Beauty: The Mickey Rourke Edition

It’s not every day that we’re blessed with the image of Mickey Rourke wearing your memaw’s favorite Ann Taylor Loft sunglasses, so we should take it in the same way the inside of his lips took in whatever his filler of choice is.

Looking sharp as three kinds of fuck in an ensemble usually worn by the bouncer of a gay mafia club, Mickey and his piece Anastassija Makarenko puckered for his fans at the premiere of “Immortals 3D” in Hollywood last night.

Mickey’s daily beauty regimen involves exfoliating the rock formations on his face with a sandpaper block before moisturizing with terra cotta-colored wet concrete and he should add one more thing to that. Mickey should dab a little grease from his locks on his freshly plumped and desert dry lips. Lips that resemble raw grey prawns should always look like they’re greased up and ready for the skillet!