I’m not exactly up to date on my Japanese instant classics, so forgive me if you’ve seen this one before.
Today we bring you an exciting clip from the 2010 comedy-slash-horror movie “Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5,” or as I like to pronounce it without getting a headache, “The Big Tits Dragon: Hot Spring Zombies vs. Strippers.”
Once again, don’t you ever change, Japan.
According to the film’s lone review on IMDb, “Big Tits Dragon” is the harrowing tale of five strippers who don’t have very many clients, so they make up for it by posing seductively and play-fighting with each other to fill the space where plot would traditionally go.
And as you’re about to watch in the clip below, at some point one of the strippers becomes a zombie and attacks two of her peers. However, she doesn’t try to eat them as we’ve come to expect from traditional zombie films. That is, unless by “eat them” you mean she fires a flamethrower out of her vagina.
“The most corrupt cop you’ve ever seen onscreen.” That is a bold statement, friend-o. I’ve seen almost every Steven Seagal movie AND both “Bad Lieutenants.”
So a little while ago I wrote on my Tita Vicky’s banana (literally, not figuratively) with much success.
Then one day, while wandering around aimlessly our apartment complex, I realized that a lot of people buy bananas.
That *ding* sound you just heard was the light bulb on top of my head.
So every so often when I have a few extra minutes to root around in someone’s lunchbox in the fridge, I take it upon myself to do shit like this…
And this...
The latter banana is actually from a guy on my floor who I’ve done this a couple of times to, one time writing “DIE!! 666” on his banana with an upside-down pentagram.
Yes, sometimes I get excited and go overboard.
I was going to take a picture of it but when I went back HE WAS SHOWING THE BANANA TO THE SECURITY GUARD so I felt it was best to basically admit nothing and run away to live another day as The Banana Ghost Writer.
If Aaron Carter’s face and Lindsay Lohan’s old teeth haven’t convinced you to skip your daily meth break today, here’s a couple of anti-meth public service announcements created by the director of “Black Swan” and “The Wrestler.” If anybody knows how to scare a bitch off the pipe, it’s Darren.
As terrifying as these are, The Meth Project should’ve saved a little dough and just aired the original and most effective anti-drug PSA by Darren: the ass-to-ass scene from “Requiem for a Dream.” Uncle Hank’s sweaty sex party face still fuels my nightmares.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is just one of the many celebrities who love Christian Louboutin shoes. The bad news is that celebrities are about the only people who can afford them, since they sell for about $700 a pair. The good news is that Rosie has some practical advice for the rest of us:
“If you can save up for a pair put away a dollar a week. It’s worth it girls. It is really worth it!”
It better be, because at a dollar a week, it would be 14 years before you could buy a pair. You ever wonder why things like Pop-Tarts have directions on the box? It’s because of girls like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.
Garrett McNamara broke the world record by riding a wave estimated to be 90 feet high off the coast of Nazaré, Portugal. Though I’m not really sure how they measure how high the waves are. If I were on that board, they could judge it by how loud my terrified screams became.
Slavoj Žižek, Slovenian philosopher, author, researcher, theorist and overall fancy smart cunt who embraces the black cloud of depression when he sees my kind clapping the happy clap over cat videos and shit.
My favorite intellectuals include Lindsay Lohan, Kunty Karl Lagerfeld, Madonna, and now I can slip Slavoj’s name into that illustrious list thanks to this interview with The Guardian.
Slavoj has the angst of an Emo tween, the golden crustiness of a Miriam Defensor Santiago rant, and the woe-is-me-ness of a Morrissey song. Slavoj is so tortured and twisted that Daniel Day-Lewis should play him in a Merchant Ivory movie.
Slavoj hates all of us and wishes that he never won the race to his mother’s ovaries. I’M IN LOVE. Let me count cunt the ways…
What is your earliest memory? My mother naked. Disgusting.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Indifference to the plights of others.
What is the trait you most deplore in others? Their sleazy readiness to offer me help when I don’t need or want it.
What was your most embarrassing moment? Standing naked in front of a woman before making love.
What makes you depressed? Seeing stupid people happy. *cut to me clapping the happy clap over cat videos and shit* What is your guiltiest pleasure? Watching embarrassingly pathetic movies such as “The Sound Of Music.”
What do you owe your parents? Nothing, I hope. I didn’t spend a minute bemoaning their death.
To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why? To my sons, for not being a good enough father.
What does love feel like? Like a great misfortune, a monstrous parasite, a permanent state of emergency that ruins all small pleasures.
Have you ever said “I love you” and not meant it? All the time. When I really love someone, I can only show it by making aggressive and bad-taste remarks.
What is the worst job you’ve done? Teaching. I hate students, they are (as all people) mostly stupid and boring.
How often do you have sex? It depends what one means by sex. If it’s the usual masturbation with a living partner, I try not to have it at all.
What is the most important lesson life has taught you? That life is a stupid, meaningless thing that has nothing to teach you.
I bet some shit by Wagner plays whenever he enters a room. I bet seconds after he enters a room, he rips all the paintings off the walls, tears out every page of every book on the shelf and then pounds at the carpet (that’s how he says “hi”). I bet he screams at his shit in the toilet for being a piece of stupid useless shit.
I would swoon over Slavoj some more, but somebody just sent me another cat video that I have to clap the happy clap to.
