Drunk, Stupid Twilight Fan Drives To “Breaking Dawn” On 3 Tires

18-year-old Olivia Ornelas was arrested in a ditch after midnight Saturday. Police say she had been driving without a right front tire (which any mechanic will tell you is generally inadvisable), and when they found her, Ornelas told police she was upset because her boyfriend had reneged on a promise to take her to see “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” that day.

Silly Twi-hard! LOVE CONQUERS VAMPIRES, NOT PHYSICS!

From the Smoking Gun:

KCSO deputy observed a car in the ditch on Rt. 71/East Highpoint Rd. Upon further investigation Ornelas was driving with no right front tire and was extremely intoxicated.

Ornelas advised that she was extremely upset with her boyfriend because she did not see the movie Twilight like they were suppose to. Ornelas was arrested for DUI and unlawful consumption of alcohol by a minor.

Drunk in a ditch demanding abstinence parables is no way to go through life. Perhaps the most surprising part of this story is that she isn’t way fatter. And I’m shocked, SHOCKED to find that a girl whose notions of romance involve a man that never wants sex and stays awake all night staring at you while you sleep is having trouble with real relationships. Yes, I was being sarcastic.

And below is the Twi-hard of all Twi-hards, Nutty Madam, giving her reaction to the “Breaking Dawn” trailer while she’s watching it, giving a full body quivering orgasm that probably made her chair break the same way RPattz broke that damn bed. In a matter of minutes, bitch’s face is taking us from “falling in love with a puppy” to “watching a puppy get disemboweled.”

And then when they get to the sex shit…lord! I bet Nutty Madam’s cats were doing the backstroke in a river of panty pudding below her. Seriously, this shit should be the real trailer.

Science Fact: Looking at Naked Women Speeds Up Your Brain!

You don’t need to go to school or read books or any of that nonsense, you just need the Playboy Channel because a new study is showing that looking at naked women makes you smarter…well, it’s claiming it speeds up your brain….well, the study is saying that the brain speeds up when processing pictures of hot naked honeys and stays sped up.

Okay the statement “viewing nudies makes you into Einstein” is a bit of an exaggeration, but researchers in Finland found that the mind goes into overdrive when it encounters naked bodies. By showing test subjects pictures and studying their brains electrical activity, they discovered both men and women process images of naked people faster than photos of people with clothes on.

Here comes the crazy part: after being shown the dirty pictures, the subjects’ brains processed other images shown to them at a quicker rate. The scientists are theorizing that we evolved to act quickly when encountered with nakedness so that we don’t miss any chances to mate; the brain staying in overdrive is just an awesome side effect.

Porn: It makes your dick bigger, your pussy wet, and your brain faster.

Scarlett Johansson Topless

You don’t have to ask me twice to post pictures of Scarlett Johansson with her top off. Sure they’re a little artsy-fartsier than I would have liked and there aren’t any nipples or girl-on-girl action or any of that good stuff, but they still work.

I don’t see the big deal, they’re just boobs, women should be allowed to show them off whenever they want. Just because “society” says they should be covered up doesn’t make it right. “Society” also says you shouldn’t sleep naked on a park bench, but that doesn’t stop me.