Sorry Kate Middleton, But Topless Lucy Pinder Is My Kinda Queen

I don’t know why people made such a big fuss over the royal wedding of two mediocre looking British people. Here’s topless Lucy Pinder instead. You’re welcome.

The Shallow Man’s Top 5 Nude Stars of the “Scream” Movies

Do you like scary movies?

The “Scream” movies are a certified box office hit, and although the series is light on nudes, it features plenty of actresses who have skintastic carnal careers.

Anna Paquin, Neve Campbell and Drew Barrymore are just a few of the “Scream” stars who have stripped. Let’s count down the top five “Scream” naked actresses–it’s a bloody good time!

5. Rose McGowan in “The Doom Generation”

 
4. Drew Barrymore in “Boys On The Side”

 
3. Anna Paquin in “True Blood”

 
2. Heather Graham in  “Boogie Nights”

 
1. Neve Campbell in “I Really Hate My Job”

Katy Perry’s Big Boobs Leading Her Astray

This is how it starts. An upskirt shot, bikini photos that turn into lingerie photos that turn into a nude shoot. Next thing you know, you’ve got a 10-inch vibrator shoved up your ass, a heavily-mustached 40-year-old with a camera in your face, and a major cocaine addiction that has eaten up all of your money.

That’s what we heard anyway. Katy Perry’s boobs seem to be leading her down a dark and soon to be naked path. She appears in pink lingerie on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. But inside she quickly gets rid of the Daisy Dukes and bikini tops and decides that being topless in only fishnets on the beach is much more de rigueur. We couldn’t agree more.

“The Dark Knight Rises” 7-Minute Trailer Leaked!!!

Fans were thrilled to learn that “The Dark Knight Rises” would have a 7-minute trailer playing before “Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol,” but then became less thrilled when told it would be in IMAX theaters only. Then even less thrilled when told it was actually just 70mm IMAX theaters only.

Because there are only 42 of those.

The rest of us are left with this. Bootleg copies showing the top of Catwoman’s head and with audio at least 2 seconds out of sync. This could show Bruce Wayne at a lemon party for all I can tell. And yet it’s still completely badass and this alone would be the best movie of the summer.

Presenting the Robert Downey Jr. of Seals!!!

File this under: We’ve all been there (especially you, RDJ).

Annette Swoffer of New Zealand found a whole lot of AWWWWW hanging around with her cats when she walked into her kitchen on Sunday night. The baby seal looked up at her before sliding over to the sofa to fall into dreamland.

The baby seal wandered from the waterfront, waddled through a residential area, crossed a busy road, went up Annette’s long driveway, slipped under a gate, went through a cat door and made it up a flight of stairs finally landing on the kitchen floor. Yeah, that the seal’s story, but you know he was tired from clubbing all day.

After that long journey to her sofa, Annette should’ve poured the baby seal a DRANK and tucked him into a Snuggie, but she called the SPCA instead. The seal was later picked up and returned to his home. Chris Clark of the Department of Conversation told the NZ Herald that he had been looking for the pup all day.

Everything is fine now. Annette’s sofa has been blessed by the AWWWWWs, the seal is back where he belongs and we now have these pictures. The only thing I have to add is: WHY DOESN’T THIS EVER HAPPEN TO ME?! The only thing I find on my sofa is a cockroach and you can’t cuddle with a cockroach when you’re lonely and your dog won’t talk to you. Trust me, I’ve tried and they’re not into it.

Heidi Klum Modeling Naked

We were just wishing Heidi Klum a happy birthday and yet she’s the one to give us a gift. Heidi Klum nude. The gift that masturbation dreams are made of. The gift that keeps on giving. This just goes to show that not only is Heidi awesome when she’s naked but she is awfully considerate too.

The pictures are from the German GQ. In the accompanying interview, Heidi gives sage words of advice, “Beauty means to be happy with what you have.”

Don’t worry Heidi, we’re very happy with what you have.