Sunday, January 15, 2012
With Facebook being so public and so widely used (and so full of parents), it can be dangerous when a little sex is mixed in. Plus you have miscommunication, a community of smart-asses, and a culture of over-sharing. Behold the horrors of our top 5 list of Facebook sex fails.
I’m still drinking from last night. I’ve figured out the root of my drinking: it’s coffee. If I have a coffee at 8 at night, I usually can’t fall asleep like a normal person, so I start drinking to take me down a notch, then the drinking leads to a cocaine…which leads to more drinking…which leads to getting kicked out of bars….or getting in trouble with cops for climbing up fire escapes to watch ex-girlfriends sleep at 5 in the morning…and sometimes, very rarely, it leads to back alley blowjobs, but I’ve been finding it harder and harder to get it up for these crackwhores. I’m too luxurious to congregate with trash like that…
Anyhoo, here are naked pictures of a very young Nicole Kidman from some shit Australian movie entitled “Dead Calm.” Enjoy!
Yesterday, Latin singing sensation Shakira put on a concert in Ibiza, and this was the first I’d heard of her in a while so I ran a search to see what she’s been up to. It turns out she does incredibly deviant hardcore porn now, either because she’s awesome or because I spelled her name wrong and clicked on a link for “Sharka.”
I was gonna run a new search with her name spelled correctly, but by then my erection was getting pretty painful.
If I ever quit drinking, would I have to post happy thoughts, or would I be more bitter because I wasn’t drinking anymore? Would I be a chain-smoker with other ex-drunks, drinking coffee and smoking my face off at McDonald’s at 2 o’clock in the morning? I’m pretty sure we’ll never find out. My half-flaccid penis and half-drunk ass can’t be bothered.
But I can be bothered to post some pics of Penelope Cruz naked in some Spanish movie who’s title I can’t be bothered to look up. Now excuse while I deal with my neighbor who’s blocking me out of his WiFi Internet. Asshole doesn’t realize I have a blog to run…
How this video was pitched:
“OK, here’s what should happen. Sisqo’s gonna walk out onto this balcony with all his adoring fans below, very Pope-like. There will be news crews everywhere, obviously, covering the Sisqo show. He’s going to walk out with his dragon microphone and start performing and everyone’s going to go bonkers.
“Then a rumble will start, and everyone will freak out because they don’t know what’s happening. The commotion will be so bad, we’re going to cut away from the song randomly every 3 to 4 seconds just so the viewer knows how serious the situation is. Everyone thinks it’s an earthquake or something. But no. NO. Around the corner from the concert will come a dragon. A 12-story dragon.
“Then there will be a full minute of no singing and people running from the dragon, including multiple people looking up at it and saying, ‘Oh, shit.’
“After about a minute and a half of chaos, we will strategically place Tatiana Ali in harm’s way. Sensing what the dragon could potentially do to the Fresh Prince star, Sisqo will softly yell ‘Hey’ at the dragon, getting its attention, and then will proceed to talk it out, reprimanding him for the millions of dollars of damage he has caused and scolding him for ruining his show. This plan, surprisingly, doesn’t work, so after almost two minutes, Sisqo will start singing again. The Sisqo vs. Dragon fight will continue while two no-name rappers give their verses.
“Sisqo will taunt the dragon, narrowly avoid death by doing his best Eddy Gordo impression, and then will FINALLY defeat the dragon by running through its legs, causing it to casually fall to its demise.
“Some final key points:
- This video should cost more than $10 million
- Sisqo should say the N-word more than 70 times
- Make sure the video is at least seven minutes long
“I hope you see it my way. —Sisqo”