What is this mysterious white cream covering actress Olivia Wilde’s face? It appears as though either Olivia Wilde is terribly messy when eating cinnamon buns, or that she forgot to wipe the spunk from her face after a facial.
Could Olivia Wilde be trying to set a new trend by walking around with man juice coating her face? Clearly this seems to be the logical direction Hollywood whores would take now that they have exposed every part of their slutty feminine bodies.
Let us hope that this Olivia Wilde cum pic is not an aberration, and that all women start parading around with ejaculate dripping off their faces for attention.
Beware! If you’re drinking room-temperature apple juice or warm beer, this mess right here will make you look at your glass with wary eyes. TLC (The Lawdthesebitchesarecrazy Channel) once again challenges your vomit reflex with their latest episode of “My Strange Addiction,” which features a woman who considers her own piss as the nectar of the heavens. The bathroom at a stadium is like a grand buffet to her ass, her bladder is like boxed wine and her pee hole is like the spigot, etc.
Carrie is a cancer patient who hasn’t been to a doctor in years, because she believes she can heal the sicks with the natural medicinal powers of piss. The Linda Hamilton impersonator tells her friend, who should really get her own episode for being addicted to Ogilvie home perms, that she drinks her piss, snorts her piss, bathes in her piss and uses her piss as eye drops. Carrie’s piss is even like the entire Unilever catalogue to her, because she uses it in her hair, on her skin and to brush her teeth. Ho is piss crazy! You know Kim Kardashian’s lawyers are putting together a lawsuit against Carrie for stealing her trademarked beauty regimen.
If a ho wants to guzzle on a golden shower, let her guzzle on a golden shower. It doesn’t affect me unless I pass out in front of Carrie and she has to give me mouth-to-mouth. But I’ve put my mouth on dirtier things, so whatever.
But isn’t it really boring drinking the same brand of bladder wine all day, every day?
“So Carrie, what are you having for dinner tonight?”
“Well, Denise, I’m having a goblet of fine piss that’s been aging in my bladder for the past 40 minutes.”
And if you’re judging Carrie, ask yourself this, “Have I ever knowingly put Red Horse Beer on my tongue?” Yeah, so don’t act like you’re better, bitch.
Selena Gomez has a hot little body that makes me feel like a pervert because it looks so young and tight. But in reality, it isn’t all that perverted to look at because she’s already pushing 20. In fact, Selena is the real pervert in this situation because she sold her vagina to Bieber when he was underage…and she wasn’t. That’s the kind of shit that would get you or me (or a bunch of the people I know on the sex offender registry) arrested, but they’re young, rich starlets and untouchable. You see, their parents wouldn’t press charges. They’re too busy spending their fucking earnings. The lesson? Whore out your kids, it pays.
I’m not convinced Gomez slammed Beiber, mainly because Justin is a homosexual. Maybe they did anal, her with a strap-on mold of Usher’s dick, because Usher doesn’t let Justin have anything else. But the real issue is the fact that I’m analyzing their sex life. Sometimes I even creep myself out. I figure it’s only fair, payback even, for all the girls I’ve creeped out over the years.
What matters is Selena’s body getting out of the hot tub for “Springbreakers,” an over-hyped garbage movie whose producers were smart enough to cast 15-year-old looking chicks like Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens.
It’ll be a huge hit. I hope I get invited to the premiere. Going to movies for teen girls is always funny when the parents see you in the back row alone… wearing sunglasses… smiling… with a hand down your pants.
It’s no secret that Tim Burton no longer directs a film without casting his wife, Johnny Depp Helena Bonham Carter. There are a few other things that you can almost always count on from Tim, all of which appear in the new trailer for “Dark Shadows.”
1. Recycled dark set pieces from “Edward Scissorhands,” “Beetlejuice,” “Batman,” “Sleepy Hollow,” “Sweeney Todd,” etc.
2. An awful, dry joke with a reaction shot of Johnny raising an eyebrow. (What a card!)
3. 70’s funk and rock. Ok, admittedly this is not a consistent element of Burton’s films but warrants mention in this case because, seriously Barry fucking White?!
Oh look, Eva Green is in this movie and has fantastic breasts, so at least there’s that.
